“Are we going to get a stepdad?” my then 7-year-old asked me. It had been less than one month since Tony died. Like all deep questions posed by children, this one was at bedtime. It was a question for which I was unprepared. I do remember stumbling through an answer. If my widow memory is correct, I said something to the effect of: I don’t know what the future holds, maybe, maybe not. Not a very definitive answer but three weeks into our loss, it was the truth.

After hitting the one-year mark, I told the kids I was going to start dating. I assured them that their dad would always be their dad. No one would replace him. They had zero questions and seemed unphased, so we carried on with dinner. I’m sure they moved the conversation to something more fascinating, like video games.

That conversation was two years ago.

That same boy who is now 10 asked me, “Did you ever decide if you’re going to get married again?” Oh, my sweet boy. If only it was that easy. But I paused and once again answered him as honestly as I could. Again, I told him I still don’t know. I told him that while I’ve gone on dates, I haven’t met anyone who was worthy of meeting him and his brothers yet.

Dating as a widow with kids at home is hard. Finding the time to go out can be a challenge. But also finding someone who is emotionally ready for a relationship at the same time as you. I keep putting myself out there, learning along the way. Maybe one day I’ll find someone to match my weird AND he’ll be emotionally available. In the meantime, I’m here to answer whatever questions the kids have while protecting them.