I haven’t had much downtime lately. Life is just moving at a very rapid pace and yesterday my body decided we were in desperate need of a red light and slammed on the brakes. I was at work feeling sluggish after a night of thunderstorms and random coughing keeping me up. Not unmanageable, but on […]
Widowed by Illness
Humdrum and Bittersweet
Image by Robin Lyon on Unsplash As I reflect on what to write about this weekend – which is what I do when nothing immediately springs out at me – it’s about how used I have become to having complexity in my life. Sometimes I get to the end of the day when I journal […]
The Grief Cap
“Can I buy you a new cap?” “No thank you.” “Can you afford a new cap?” “Yes I can. Thank you.” “Do you know people might judge you because of how your cap looks?” “I like the worn look. It represents my well-lived life. Thank you for your concern.” “Do you know you look homeless […]
Birthdays and Earth Days
Main image by Casey Horner on Unsplash. Other pictures my own, unless stated I don’t know why it is, but I have always felt I have disproportionately more Aries, Taurus and Gemini friends than from other parts of the year. Even if my childhood bestie was none of these. Nor was Mike. But in terms […]
From My Present to My Past
Dear Bryan, I’m imagining today that I am able to write to you in our past to give you a glimmer of hope. Where you are at the start of this widowed journey is not where you are forever trapped. I’ll be honest with you and say that there will be tough days, months and […]
Forever Young
Main image by Angello Pro on Unsplash Today is not only Easter Day. It’s also our lovely Megan’s 21st birthday. Her sixth birthday without her father. Her 16th birthday was just nine days after her dad died. Finding a date for Mike’s funeral in 2017 was so very hard. There is a “minimum” time required […]
These Soft and Coarse Sands of Time
The course of time is told by the passing of both soft and coarse sands. Some experiences feel gentle and powder fine while others sting and erode me in these whipping widowed winds. Five. How is it already five years since you’ve been gone? How is it that I didn’t know if I’d make it […]
Five Years, Five Minutes, Five Decades
My Sweet Mystery (*) Today is five years since you died. In that time, there have been so many difficult, painful, traumatic events. Exacerbating your not-here-ness. The things I would have to catch you up on. Though I presume you know it all anyway, and are shaking your head in disbelief. Wars – always ongoing, […]
Invisible Grief Analysis in the Cinema
Image by Kyle Head on Unsplash One of the independent cinemas I go to has a wonderful range of premieres, at which any combination of the film director, producer, key actors, etc, are present afterwards for reflection and discussion. I love it. The two people from the cinema who manage the process are articulate, witty, […]
The Final Passing
This week has been full of up and down moments. Life always throws change at you but fast change from a high moment to a low moment and back really takes a toll on you. I certainly need to rest the next couple of days. Not just sleep but rest so I can think, feel […]
Homesickness
Main image by Rowan Heuvel on Unsplash In English, when we miss our homeland, we say, “I feel homesick”. In French, when we miss our homeland, we say, “J’ai le mal du pays”. Close enough, but not quite the same. Taken literally, the English version seems just to be about missing one’s “home” (parents, family, […]
Another STep Upwards on this Grief Grise
The thing about a grief journey is that it’s never over. Every step you take onward and upward holds an emotional echo. Some days it’s constantly ringing in your ear and other times it a distant whisper at the bottom of a staircase. Either way you still keep climbing to find the next landing. A […]