Each of us has a unique journey. Sometimes it can feel infinitely hard, sometimes infinitely lonely but I have found that the infinite space isn’t showing us how empty our lives are, it’s showing us we have the gift to fill our universe indefinitely. I came to this understanding through a lot of self-reflection and […]
LGBTQ+ Widowed
Fun in Funeral?
I booked the flight for Clayton’s funeral last night. It’s bothering me because a funeral isn’t supposed to be 4 years after someone passes. The celebration of life we had originally planned was put on pause and so has a lot of my growing through grief. Searching for flights and making travel arrangements didn’t cause […]
The Department of Care-Griever Collections (DCGC)
I’ve brought up some of the ins and outs of being a care-griever. I can’t speak to the emotions that come with sudden loss but I can speak about the experience watching someone you love slowly fade. Being a caregiver for Clayton I had the outward goal to provide him comfort for the rest of […]
A Frightening Game
I think it is important to continue to evaluate your emotions as you travel further forward into the future leaving behind that milestone marked as your new start – AL (After Loss). We categorize our lives on timelines and anniversaries of all types. My cathartic calendar holds holidays, birthdays, reunions, and all kinds of anniversaries. […]
Widowed Whiplash
I haven’t had much downtime lately. Life is just moving at a very rapid pace and yesterday my body decided we were in desperate need of a red light and slammed on the brakes. I was at work feeling sluggish after a night of thunderstorms and random coughing keeping me up. Not unmanageable, but on […]
The Grief Cap
“Can I buy you a new cap?” “No thank you.” “Can you afford a new cap?” “Yes I can. Thank you.” “Do you know people might judge you because of how your cap looks?” “I like the worn look. It represents my well-lived life. Thank you for your concern.” “Do you know you look homeless […]
From My Present to My Past
Dear Bryan, I’m imagining today that I am able to write to you in our past to give you a glimmer of hope. Where you are at the start of this widowed journey is not where you are forever trapped. I’ll be honest with you and say that there will be tough days, months and […]
These Soft and Coarse Sands of Time
The course of time is told by the passing of both soft and coarse sands. Some experiences feel gentle and powder fine while others sting and erode me in these whipping widowed winds. Five. How is it already five years since you’ve been gone? How is it that I didn’t know if I’d make it […]
Just a pile of ash
The conversation of letting Clayton’s ashes go came up last week. His uncle was going to drive them up to where Clayton asked to be buried. So after 5 years I handed him over. I had lots of messages of support and messages suggesting ways I could keep some of Clayton’s ashes to hold on […]
The Final Passing
This week has been full of up and down moments. Life always throws change at you but fast change from a high moment to a low moment and back really takes a toll on you. I certainly need to rest the next couple of days. Not just sleep but rest so I can think, feel […]
Another STep Upwards on this Grief Grise
The thing about a grief journey is that it’s never over. Every step you take onward and upward holds an emotional echo. Some days it’s constantly ringing in your ear and other times it a distant whisper at the bottom of a staircase. Either way you still keep climbing to find the next landing. A […]
Reflection that Resonates: PEP in My Steps Forward
This is the 169th widowed blog I’ve written. In 28 days, it will be the fifth anniversary of Clayton’s death. I have been widowed longer than I was in high school or college. If that’s the case, did I float through my Grief grades or have I been applying myself to Life’s lessons? The only […]