I felt sad when I left the dealership as the owner of a new car. I knew I was supposed to feel happy. I mean they congratulated me on my purchase. Apparently this was big stuff. Purchasing a vehicle is supposed to be a big deal. But, I felt a bunch of nothing. Most people celebrate the purchase of something new. But, I didn’t feel particularly celebratory or happy. Instead, I felt the familiar emptiness that has lived inside me since he died. Most “normal” people would be sick from the lack of feelings I had; but I am used to feeling this heavy numbness. Being without feeling is normal for me; and, for this reason, I just carried on. I mindlessly drove…
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39 and Counting
Hey Babe, I’m writing this to you a few day’s belated. It’s been 6 years now since the last time Shelby or I was able to say “Happy Birthday” to your face. It’s been a blur. With my work being so incredibly stressful, I almost forgot what Friday was. You see, this project that […]
I Have A Sometimes Invisible, Often Chronic, Incurable Condition – I Have Grief.
Hello, For those of you new around here, Hi I’m Bryan. I’m a director of animal care at an aquarium. I’m passionately obsessed with essential oils and environmentally safe products. I’m a son, brother, uncle, cousin and a friend. I love to dance. I love to make others smile. I want to make the world […]
Jumbled Mess
Thats how my brain feels right now. Like a jumbled up fog. Its messy inside there. Nothing is organized. Thoughts are not linear or neatly cataloged. Will they ever be again? I dont know. It often feels as though my brain has been hijacked. This one I have been left with isn’t as adventurous, or […]
Lunchtime Live
For eleven weeks, before restrictions were lifted and we were still supposed to be sheltered in place here in Southern California, I held a daily 30-minute live broadcast on Facebook. Each day, I chose a topic that meant something to me—and that I thought might resonate with others. These daily broadcasts were meant to thoughtfully engage and help connect people in the time of CoVID.
Widowed Lessons…Not~
What have I learned from Chuck’s death? This particular question, posed to me either in genuine curiosity, or in a weirdly platitudinal manner, never fails to bring forth all the dark humor of my soul. What do people possibly mean, what have I learned from Chuck’s death? I no longer stumble in my response; I […]
Grief Maths
Main ArtWork by Angela Franklin, Grief Will Teach You Math, When You Subtract One (2019) https://demifgallery.com/artworks/9478-angela-franklin-grief-will-teach-you-math-when-you-subtract-2019/ I am no mathematician. I was pretty weak at maths at school, and given the option of having 7 or 8 hours of maths a week vs 3 or 4 hours in my final two years, it was […]
Fragile: Handle with Care
For me, when things don’t go right, everything begins to intertwine with his absence. Or more to the point, my aloneness.
Embracing the Detours
This year has meant a lot of detours for many. For all of us who are widowed, the metaphor of a detour is a bold one… the idea of the road being closed ahead and suddenly we are to choose a new direction…
Remembering You on Your Birthday
Tuesday morning I woke up and wasn’t sure how to navigate your birthday. I went to work. I did the things. I stressed wanting to stay calm and collected but also find a way to celebrate you. If you were here, I would have today off. We would have a lazy morning with Roan. We […]
9 Years
Not sure what to say really. July 13th was the 9 year death day of my husband Don. I dont like to call it an “anniversary”, since that word feels like something that should be celebrated with cake and champagne and parties. This year felt exhausting to me, and also, maybe I was too tired […]
In Her Own Words
Two years ago, today, my wife wrote this. I just can’t write anything more…
Since I’m finally feeling vaguely human for the first time in almost a month, I thought I would take the opportunity to say a huge “thank you” to all family, friends, friends of friends and people who barely know me, who have rallied to support us over the last few difficult weeks. Everything happened so quickly and aggressively that I had to accept that chemo, narcotics and goodness knows how many different antibiotics, anti-nausea and anti-anxiety drugs were a necessity to try to gain some control over what seemed like a runaway train.