Over the last few years, I’ve dated on and off. I’ve primarily used dating apps because I don’t find myself ‘in the wild’ where there are other single people. Dating as a widow, after a marriage I was happy in has been a challenge. While I can feel broken and discombobulated, I also know what a healthy connection feels like and I refuse to settle for less. I want to love the crap out of a new partner but also have them understand I will always love the crap out of my late husband. And if someone thinks I’m asking too much, they can kick rocks.
I have been on dates when I walked in and knew immediately it wasn’t a good fit. Confrontation makes me uncomfortable, so I have never walked out of a date even when I’ve wanted to. In 2023, I found an article about The Burned Haystack Dating Method created by Jennie Young. This year, I just finished the book she’s written titled “Decode Dating, Torch the Duds, and Make Room for Men Who Matter. Burn the Haystack.”
Her dating method feels so important for me to share with my fellow widows. We are often the target of scammers, sometimes we’re more susceptible to putting up with bad behavior because we want so badly to feel love again after what we lost.
On her social media accounts and in her book, Jennie talks about burning the haystack of toxic men to find the needles. To try and sum up the method quickly, it’s about blocking men who rule themselves out. In order to do this, you look at the visual and written rhetorical evidence they provide in their profiles. Anytime you see a profile with red flags, you block them.
She has crafted 31 rhetorical patterns and while it seems like it’s a lot to take in, they make sense. A common one I see in profiles is ‘Designing my AI Girlfriend’, this is where the person has taken precious space in their profile that should tell you about them, to instead tell you who YOU should be. No one gets to tell me who I should be but me. Block.
Another important pattern is the ‘Test and Apologize.’ This one tends to happen while you are messaging. They will send something inappropriate, it might be very direct or subtle, but it makes you uncomfortable. If you were to call the person out, they generally tell you they were kidding and you can’t take a joke. Which minimizes you and then gives the sender clues to how much they can push you. Instead of engaging, I block them. The person I want to be with will not test my boundaries like that.
When you burn the haystack, you will find yourself with fewer matches and even fewer dates. But I would rather go on higher quality dates with better people. Bad dates aren’t worth the price of the mascara I applied to be there. I don’t know how long it might take me to find a good needle, but I still highly recommend checking out Jennie Young’s work.
