June 16, 2010 was a really busy day. In fact, the night before I was laughing about the fact that every minute of the next day was so scheduled that I felt like the day had flown by before it even began. These last few weeks have been packed with events, meetings, Camp Widow arrangements, packing to take the kids on a trip, the last day of school,…
widowhood and moving forward
working and happy
it is late and i’m still awake, a fit of creativity has settled upon my brain, and has translated into eight fingers and two thumbs, working to pound out the words i’ve struggled to find.tonight i spoke to one of my best friends in the world, and she cried for us. happy tears, knowing, evident in the smile in my photos, the words that i write…
getting my voice
We’ve moved. Our stuff is in the new house…..but the house isn’t finished. The shower doesn’t work and two of the rooms remain incomplete. Although the garbage and previous tenant’s belongings have finally been removed, we haven’t been able to unpack our stuff and claim the house as ours. We have been staying with friends until it is…
Facing My Fears
It has been a long time since I have really shared my life with a man. Four years, ten months, and seven days to be exact. In that time I have learned to juggle life as a single parent, a single person, a sole provider, the sole tenant on my mortgage…I have become accustomed to the fact that the buck stops with me. For the last two weeks I have…
Dreaming ….
…. would be a much better thing if we could control it, wouldn’t it? ….. or would it? I’d love going to sleep each night if I knew that I could dream of Jim. I would choose to dream about him as much as possible.Good dreams. Dreams in which he’d be alive. Dreams in which our lives had never been altered …. or rather, ripped to shreds. But…
The View Approaching Five
Every once in awhile I am shocked by the fact that Phil has been dead almost five years. This week I met several new people, and shared a bit of my widow story with each of them. Every time I told someone how long it has been since Phil died a little voice in my head asked, has it really been that long? Believing that 56 months have passed since…
I’m Not “Normal” …..
….. and finally, FINALLY …. after 2 years and 4 months ….. I’m OK with that. It feels good to finally feel OK with things not really being OK. I don’t think I will ever feel “normal” again. I spent a lot of time fighting that. I wanted to be “normal”. I didn’t want to be a widow. I didn’t want anything to do with widowhood and everything…
Everybody Needs Somebody
I was listening to a song this weekend and for some reason I heard a loud message in it that I’ve not heard before. For whatever reason I felt like Daniel was trying to tell me something. Still trying to figure it out, but thought I’d share it here.So here you are now, nowhere to turn It’s just the same old yesterday. You made a promise to yourself…
Day 365
Todaywasabeautiful day.I amhere.At day 365 not just standing but rooted grateful and joyful to take the next breath. The grief is not gone. Do not be fooled. It will lurk within me surface at unforgettable moments until I draw my last breath. But today T-O-D-A-Y I am grateful to Art. Grateful for the life we had together and grateful for all those…
Time in a Bottle ….
I found myself thinking about time recently. About time with Jim. Past time. I thought that I wish I could have bottled up certain times in our life together so that I’d still have them. The bottles would sit up on the shelves along with our photo albums. Any time that I found myself missing him (and when did I not?) I could open up a bottle, take…
I’m OK?
Today looked like this…. I got up. I laughed before the big toe of my left foot hit the floor. I left at 8:15 for an 8:30 class that was a 20 minute drive away. I drove giggling…my lateness, some things never change.I didn’t know anyone in the class. I didn’t feel like knowing anyone from the class. At the class, I didn’t eat the granola bar,…
It’s No Longer the First Thing …..
…. that I think of in the morning. It occurred to me the other day …. that my first thought in the morning is no longer ….. “Jim is dead”. In fact, my first thought now isn’t even about Jim. This realization gives me mixed feelings. I feel happy that grief doesn’t occupy my every thought now. But I also feel sad …… that it doesn’t.I know…