I spent some time last week reading through my old journal. I wrote in it almost every day for a year after Daniel died. Every once in a while I read through it to remind myself of how far I’ve come. It’s been over a year since I’ve looked at it, and it was some rough reading. I felt so sorry for that poor woman (yes, me). It was painful to relive…
widowhood and moving forward
Throwing in the Towel
I have often said that anyone whose spouse has died should receive an automatic, lifetime, get-out-of-jail-free card. This card would be used for things like avoiding leaking faucets, flat tires, broken fences, faulty plumbing, and critters stuck under the house or in the chimney. This all purpose pass should also free the bearer from: teenage…
Friends Matter
In my pre-widow life I was fortunate to have lots of friends. We bonded over jobs or kids or committee work or a combination of any/all of these. I knew the value of girlfriends who set you straight when you are weaving a self-destructive path, those who would hold your hair at just the right moment, and the ones with whom I could share my child…
6 Words
I came across this article and video about “6 Word Memoirs” and how they put many people to test on what they would write. The history behind it was explained: “The six-word memoir is said to be rooted in a bet between Ernest Hemingway and a friend — supposedly, the author claimed he could write a short story in just six words. (He won with…
strength and surrender
These two words, strength and surrender, seem to be at odds with each other. Opposites. Separate. As a young widow, one of the phrases that I hear so often is “You’re so strong!” Throughout this journey, as many of you feel as well, I haven’t felt strong. I have often felt weak and lost. I have felt vulnerable and afraid. I have felt that I have…
our house
as i walked up the hill today, i stared at our house… liz fucking loved this place. fell in love with it the second she saw it.it’s hard to look at, knowing that she can’t enjoy it with us. we got to our stairs and i didn’t want to go inside. for some reason i just couldn’t do it. i pulled madeline from her stroller and took a few…
Tears Still Come ….
….. even when someone new enters your life. There is no cure for grief. No answer. No person. No miracle. It must be traveled through.I discovered that this week. I am definitely having more good days than bad days. But the bad days still come. I think they will always come …. though they will be fewer and farther in between. I am happier…
I Will Try to Fix You
I love this song and the message it holds. As long as I’m clear on what the word “fix” means to me in this concept. If “fixing” means that I am broken and someone has the magical fairy dust that will make me “happy” and make me “forget”, than I don’t like this song a bit. On the other hand if “fixing” means you will love me, accept me for who I am…
I’ve Got The Memories
From a song from the movie, Prince Caspian. I have heard it many times before.Tonight I HEARD it.i’ve got the memoriesalways inside of mebut i can’t go backback to how it wasi will leave nowi’ve come too farno I can’t go backback to how it wasooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooi’m moving forwardso every day startswith a magic sparki’ve got my hopes…
2010
Well, it’s 2010. I remember going into 2008 without Michael. It was the first year in which no history or memories would include him, a year in which reality took its place next to me on my throne of grief. It’s funny how my mind also worked in ways to revert back to a time when he was still living. I’d sign checks with 2007, set dates with friends…
Entering the New Year
Grief has changed my perception of time. Ever since Phil died I have found myself wondering each New Year’s Eve where the last year has gone, and some years wondering how I managed to survive the waves and sucker punches that grief delivered on a very regular basis throughout the previous year. And yet I have survived: one year, one month, one day,…
Running With Phil
My husband LOVED to run. When we first began dating, he was training for the Los Angeles Marathon. At the time I could not imagine why anyone in their right mind would purposely run 26.2 miles, but as a newly in love girl I willingly accompanied Phil on many training runs. The upside for me was that my job only entailed riding my bike alongside…