Over the past four years I have become accustomed to filling in the blanks on various forms…marital status, spouse’s name and date of birth, person to contact in case of emergency, etcetera, etcetera. In fact, if you asked me a few days ago, I would have told you that while filling out forms still annoys me I have learned to manage my feelings…
widowed suddenly
What Not To Say
OK …. forgive me, but I’m cheating today. I’m copying a post I put on my blog over a year ago … just a couple of months after Jim died. I’ve had several requests to post it again, which I did on my blog earlier this year, and I thought I’d post it here, too. It was a list of the top things that my children and I did NOT need to hear, but did,…
The Death March
I dread deathiversaries, with my whole soul, as my daughter would say. This dread is instinctual, and has nothing to do with how happy I am in my current life. The creeping feeling of impending doom sneaks up on me at the same time every year, and at odd times when I am distracted by nostalgia or lost in a happy memory. Sometimes the feeling of…
Just One
Four years after Phil’s death, I am still trying to work out how to do twice as many tasks with half the amount of hands. The anniversary of his death stirs up emotions for the kids each and every year. You would think I could anticipate their reactions to this day of remembering by now, but I can’t. My own walk down memory lane includes my…
When Memories Fail Me
I remember crying silent but painful tears in the back seat of someone’s car… we were running an errand for the memorial service and barely above a whisper, I asked, “What if I forget…” they too began to weep with me. Finally, they cleared their throat to answer, “You’ll always have your memories.” I find that statement less than accurate.
What I Have Forgotten
My journey as a widow began four years ago today. Four years seems like both an eternity, and an instant. Standing at the foot of his emergency room bed that day, watching his pulse rate drop to zero, I saw the road ahead of me very clearly. Alone. That was the word that my brain screamed. Alone. At first I didn’t want to touch his things, for…
What I Miss
I miss familiarity. I miss being known. I miss lapsitting. I miss having a guaranteed birthday celebration. I miss the knowledge that if I break down on the road Phil is coming for me. I miss every day cell phone calls, transmitting news by just a look, and the daily irritations of sharing life with a partner.I miss Phil’s smile. I miss the fact…
My Big Fish
I had seen this movie before Michael’s passing. After everything happened I had a yearning to see this film again, and it was afterward that I knew why. There are so many scenes that I can relate so closely with. The scene below is one that reminds me of sitting in the car after the service. We sat in it right afterward to listen to the bagpipe…
Our Mountain
I remember when I was able to trust with everything in me. Trust God. Have faith. I knew I was blessed… Our lives were difficult, yes, but it was good. When the rug was pulled from under me I wasn’t sure if I was going to ever reach that place again. The place where faith was second nature and trusting was never a question. David and I used to…
Aching
This morning was the first day of school for my boys. I went to work very early; then planned to get back in time to make them breakfast and make sure they were set for the day. As I was driving home from work, I started to feel it. The dull ache. The one that began on the first day of school four years ago.That day was much like today. I went to…
My Love of Headstones
I used to be afraid of cemeteries. Well, not exactly afraid, but I thought they were creepy. Walking around a place that held lots of dead bodies made me nervous. I would step gingerly around the headstones, being careful not to tread anywhere I thought a person might be laid to rest, and wondering how far out I needed to step to avoid the entire…
There Are No Words
There have been many times since Phil’s death that words have escaped me. When asked how I was in the early days my answer was often a dumbfounded stare. What words could be used to describe the pain that was ripping through my body at that moment? A client of mine once asked, “Do you just miss him like crazy?” I was so relieved to be asked a…