I miss familiarity. I miss being known. I miss lapsitting. I miss having a guaranteed birthday celebration. I miss the knowledge that if I break down on the road Phil is coming for me. I miss every day cell phone calls, transmitting news by just a look, and the daily irritations of sharing life with a partner.

I miss Phil’s smile. I miss the fact that he always could be counted on for chopping duties in the kitchen. I miss his ability to get to the heart of a disagreement in thirty seconds flat. I miss him jumping out of bushes to scare me. I miss running with him. I miss laughing with him. I miss listening to him sing when he forgot other people were within earshot. I miss the way he complained about chick flicks. I miss his eagerness to experience new things. I miss his sense of adventure. I miss hearing his old rock station blaring out of the garage. I miss the neighborhood kids stopping by to get their bike tires pumped up. I miss weekend getaways, and family vacations. 

I miss the basketball games he led in the driveway. I miss him collecting the gossip from the neighbors. I miss being able to tell him that the drain is backed up again. I miss discussing options with him. I miss his irreverent sense of humor. I miss grocery shopping with him pushing the cart. I miss listening to him complain about driving out to my parent’s house AGAIN. I miss the way he talked to his mother. I miss watching him listen to the kid’s stories with real interest. I miss watching him put together a plan for work. I miss standing by him while he chatted with a stranger about where they might know each other from since the person looks so familiar to him. I miss him bringing home spiders he thought the kids would like. I miss unexpected flowers. I miss his good night kiss. 

All of this I have missed for 1459 days. Tomorrow will mark the fourth year of living life without Phil.