Since Phil’s death, grief has caused a long struggle between the desire to overcome and the need to accept the realities that widowhood has brought into my life. The concept of acceptance when applied to Phil’s death has always felt like giving up to me. So, I stubbornly planned around any roadblock that would slow what I thought was forward…
widowed suddenly
Stocking Full of Memories
****This is a re-post from last year, but still one of my favorite moments in seeing the spark reignite in my family, as if the light had been turned on and they looked past his death and forward into his life. I’ll update next week on what gift they made/got for him! Merry Christmas**** Last Christmas my family started incorporating Michael back…
Christmas together
Tomorrow is the day that we have all been building up to in the last few months. I am sure that, like me, you are overwhelmed, tired and emotional. Preparing for this day is, at the best of times, exhausting…..but alone, it seems insurmountable.Please remind yourself to breathe deeply. To be gentle with yourself and to allow peace into your…
it’s more than a haircut.
maddy’s bangs were getting a little long and i’ve learned that i suck at cutting hair, so i took her to a professional.i could see the tears welling up in jeanette’s eyes as she stared at my best girl. and i knew what she was thinking. … i convinced maddy to take a seat. as jeanette took the rubber hair band out of her hair, i couldn’t believe…
“You Should Be Happy” …..
…. is what someone told me last night. Actually, the entire sentence was …. “All of your children are home. You should be happy.” I felt like I had been slapped in the face. I was on the phone, explaining to this person, through tears, that I was feeling sad. And that sentence was the response I got.Most people would probably agree with that…
Loveinity
This Thursday will mark our 5 year wedding anniversary. As I’ve stated through the years, this day has always been more difficult for me than any other…including the day he was killed. You see, I don’t define Michael’s life and our life together by the day he was killed, I’ve always defined it by our eternal love, and no day signifies that more…
two hands where four are needed
I recently found a “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff Workbook”. It is full of quizzes and exercises to force you to look inward at yourself. This introspection makes me realize that I am pretty ‘normal’ if not, less ‘sweaty’ than the average person. I’ve been really enjoying ‘getting to know myself’ in the 5 minutes I take now and then to complete a…
My Subconscious Mind ….
…. is sometimes a lot more powerful than I’d like it to be. Maybe it’s bigger than the rest of my mind. Or maybe it’s just a lot more determined to be in charge. All I know is that it’s very aware of the date on the calendar and it seems hell-bent on forcing my emotions to react to that memory …. even when the rest of my mind is going along…
Teamwork
Our family received an amazing, unexpected Christmas gift of a very cool new TV. This weekend we went about shifting, rebuilding, figuring out cable connections, and placing the new gadget in the place of our old big screen. Somehow amidst the chaos, the daunting task of moving the old machine out to the garage ended up happening when the…
what it is
Talking about being a widow is not something I always do….or want to do. Sometimes I need to talk about it. Express why I am attending a social engagement alone. Assure others that I’m not a ‘cast off’ – that my husband left me because he was physically unable to stay….not because he found me in bed with my tennis instructor.Now and then, I…
holidays.
i dislike them. i always have (and i’m pretty sure i’ve mentioned that here before).but i do these things for maddy, mostly because her mom loved them, and partially because i can remember what it was like to be a kid before high school brought on my cynicism and jaded me beyond repair. anyway, on saturday brooke and i took maddy to see santa…
The “After Me” vs. ….
We all know that we are changed after the death of our spouse. We are changed because of the death of our spouse and everything that follows in its wake. But how am I different now? How is the “After Janine” different from the “Before Janine”? Let me count the ways …..1. I am less naive. I know, really know, that happiness is not…