Before Phil died I never questioned my ability to stand on my own two feet. Being in a relationship was something I loved, but I didn’t believe that living life as a pair was mandatory for achieving happiness. My husband was my partner and my friend, but we were definitely two individuals with our own opinions and preferences…that didn’t always…
widowed moving forward
Chchchanges….
I’m meeting the moving company today to inventory my house and take the next step in the move from Houston back to Austin. It’s a big and quick change for us, and I’ve been forced to think a lot about life planning and what my intentions are both personally and professionally.Professionally this move is a good one for me, although I’m leaving…
Humbled
I did not want to be a widow. In fact, it is safe to say that I would have liked to be just about anything BUT a widow. It took a while for the reality to set in…I was a WIDOW. Ugh. That word, the dreaded title, the image of a shriveled up person with a love that died, the imagined black veil, the wedding ring that no longer meant married…I…
Masks ….
…. are very heavy to wear for a long period of time and they tend to make my face sweat. I really thought that I was done wearing them after Jim died. I couldn’t wear them. I didn’t have the energy to snap them into place and keep them from sliding off. So I didn’t.But now, now that it’s a year and a half later; I am finding out that some…
My Friend Grief
Over the past four years grief and I have reluctantly become friends. Grief is not the kind of friend I can call in the middle of the night when I am sad, but rather the kind of friend who sits quietly at the end of my bed while I cry myself to sleep. Grief may be away for weeks or even months at a time, but the knock of this friend is now as…
How Many Tickets?
I never went to the movies solo. For as long as I can remember I had someone to my left or right to share my popcorn and Sour Patch Kids with. Michael, on the other hand, loved catching the latest flick on his own. It was as if he had some freedom I hadn’t quite mastered.I remember the first time I ventured out to explore this alien land. As I…
A Journal Entry
I’ve been glancing at David’s journal for the past week. It sits on a special bookshelf in our living room. I used to read it every night before my pathetic attempt at sleep but it’s been a while since I’ve opened the pages. This small, brown, soft leather journal is eminently special to me. His hands have touched every page of the tattered book,…
A Life Altered
Still, I am taken back when someone in David’s life has just learned of his death. How could they not have known??! Shouldn’t anyone who had ever come in contact with him during his life have felt the earth pause the moment he passed away? As if the earth should have been altered if he no longer walked upon it. Dramatic, I know. It’s the best…
Wishing
I sometimes wonder what would happen if all the wishes people made on stars came true. Where would my life be today if my whims were met by the imaginary wish granter in the sky who hears the things our hearts whisper when we witness those flashes of light across the night sky? One thing is certain, my heart has definitely not been whispering over…
Finding Our Way
(Editor’s note: Janine will be away for the next two weeks and we are happy to welcome visiting contributor Colleen Phillips as our Wednesday blogger in her absence. Thanks Colleen!) A warm hello. Since Rory died almost 5 years ago, it seems as if we have been trying to find our way, figure things out and be a family of “2”. Ryan, my son, had…
Sometimes Healing Hurts
When a friend is sick you hope they will get well soon. If you know someone who has cancer, you might pray fervently for them to be cured. After you’ve had surgery, a friend might call to tell you they hope you will heal quickly. But what about when someone dies. What do we wish then? After Phil’s death I feared getting better. I didn’t want to get…
As Promised… Question #19
When did you clean out your husband’s closet? (For our new readers: Over the past several years I have interviewed many widows about their day-to-day life after the loss of their husbands. I asked all of the women I spoke to the same fifty questions, all practical inquiries about everyday life. Many readers have asked me to share my answers to…