Image by Engin Akyurt on Unsplash I have a daily gratitude writing practice that started at the beginning of 2020. Megan had given me a gratitude diary for Christmas in which it was suggested you write five things that you had to look forward to that day, then one thing at the end of the […]
Widowed and Healing
Eighty-sixed from Life
This time buying feels different. It feels like I am attempting to fix a wrongdoing.
The wrongdoing being Mike’s death… Moving is a big step in the direction of righting my alternate life. It is forward motion. It is acknowledgement of the permanence of his death. It is necessary and it is a good thing. This move is about me. It is my decision. My choice. My sale. My purchase. It is about my family and our future. And, I should be excited about it. And, I sort of am. I am just not altogether overjoyed. I am a bit blaise and this should not surprise me because I have been operating in apathy for 4.3 years now. The move just really brings into focus how deep this indifference is embedded in my psyche.
The Escape Room
Part of my widowed journey is getting the opportunity to get away from home. Staying in the apartment that Clayton and I both lived has its benefits and its challenges. He hung up the art and organized the furniture. Everything here holds whispers of his style and view of interior design. I’m coming up on […]
Moving…
And, in the familiar setting where my old life played out I was able to grieve for all that I lost. I let my loss seep into my bones as I walked down the familiar streets of our neighbourhood. As I wandered through the aisles of our grocery store I allowed all the sadness his death caused to drip from me. I drove around our town and tears streamed from my eyes, day after day, as I said goodbye to the future we never got to live. It has been an excruciating 4.3 years, but I am better for allowing myself the time to properly say goodbye to my life here. I am now finally at a point in my grief where I can be at peace with the past and I have accepted that the future will not be the one I anticipated living. I can move now. I am done with this place. I have taken what I can from it and now there is nothing left here for me.
The Dentist is in the Details
For many who are widowed and many who suffer extreme loss and grief, the start back to “normal” is a long and winding road. Even tasks that we consider “everyday automatics” can be pushed aside or delayed. Some days it’s hard to just get out of bed let alone brush your teeth. Each thing you […]
Hard Beliefs to Swallow
One of the myriad books that’s been on my list forever is Gary Zukav’s 1989 book “The Seat of the Soul”. It’s been recommended to me by many people over the years, not least Oprah and Maya Angelou, as well as my “Grief Therapist” Tom Zuba. It finally made it into my Audible library and […]
The Dance (remembered)
I wrote this January 29, 2018. Three years later, I stand by a lot of what I wrote. Grief must be felt and attended to. You will be better for “sitting” with your grief. Lean into it – this is the way back to life… ~S. When Grief comes, Take her in your arms and […]
I Accept…
Being widowed has forced me to become accustom to being “lost”. I have veered off the main road and I have become fairly self sufficient travelling off the beaten path. I’ve always been independent; and, generally, I can excel under pressure; but, Mike’s death has made me even more effective in the face of adversity. I have made solid decisions on unstable ground and I have grown somewhat comfortable being ‘off kilter’.
These days, I choose to take the road less traveled because I enjoy the solitude, whereas, before the silence would have been unsettling to me. With time and experience, I am less afraid of being lost. Mike’s death is teaching me to handle the unexpected and unwelcome in life. And, sometimes I resent this lesson, but I still choose to learn from it. What else can I do?
For all it’s taken from me, widowhood has also given me an unshakable belief in myself.
The Evolution of Grief part 2 (of many)
Once my grief settled into me, I was able to move through life in a far less clumsy way. As counterintuitive as it sounds, by allowing my grief to make a home within me, I was finally able to free myself of it. With grief housed safely inside me, I was able to live with more agility. When I let both my grief and my unbridled, wild hunger for life to coexist within me I found a type of peace that had eluded me previously.
Coexistence is the only peaceful way I’ve been able to manage my grief. This last year, I have allowed my grief to “be”. To be part of me. To be within me. I must emphasize, grief is not who I am; I am so much more than Mike’s widow. But, undeniably, my grief is part of my psyche.
Terry, I wish I’d tried harder to love you while you were still alive
I like to claim that “I don’t do guilt”. It’s not that “I don’t do guilt at all”, it’s more that I try to catch any guilt quickly and figure out if the guilt is bringing anything of value. Mostly it’s not. Same same with regrets. I like to say “I don’t regret things”. Again, […]
A Date with Fate
I have stopped fighting the sadness because I realize that it is not an either or thing. Because I am sad, does not mean I can not also be happy; and, maybe, just maybe I will also be happy in love too…
Countdown to Panic Mode
On September 26th of this year, I will turn 50 years old. This has been freaking me out for awhile now. Turning 50. For multiple reasons. First, there’s the whole “I’m older than my dead husband ever got to be” thing, which has been weirding me out ever since I turned 46, which is the […]