it’s pure joy to see maddy with her auntie (liz’s sister), the two of them, as close as they would have been if… well, you know. …sometimes it’s the after that defines things, and after everything that’s happened, i’m happy that this she is such a big part of our after.
Widowed and Healing
A.D. – Marking Time After Daniel
I’ve always found it fascinating that much of the world – Christian and non-Christian alike – mark time in a way that acknowledges the existence of Christ. We are currently in the Year of Our Lord (Anno Domini) 2011. Using this same sort of starting point, I have marked the time A.D. (after Daniel) and am currently in the year 6 on this…
Empty Handed
It’s been a rough week. I’ve been an emotional mess, and have felt more vulnerable than I have in months. I don’t really know what brought it on either. I kept looking at the calendar, trying to find some reason, or meaning, behind all the tears I have been shedding this week, but just came up empty handed. Perhaps that’s just it, I feel empty…
Home is
Home is where you hang your heart, not only your hat. When Phil died, the four walls of my home became both a refuge and a prison. I hated going out; I hated staying in. The outside world was too bright. I felt blinded by other people’s lightness, innocent happiness, and especially by their apparent disregard for the fact that the world had…
A Day That Will Live ….
(I wrote this post on my blog Saturday night/Sunday morning. Saturday, the 28th, would have been our 28th wedding anniversary.) ….in infamy. Or at least in history. Our history. Son #2 graduated tonight. He did it. In spite of …. so much. He. Did. It. On this day. This once very happy day.This day that used to stand for love, commitment,…
My New View of Death
Duality of vision. At least that’s what I’m calling it. As of May 4th last year, my way of looking at physical things has changed. For example, driving into my garage every day I see Maggie’s catcher’s mask she used to wear while playing softball. It hangs just inside the garage door right where I park the car. When I see that mask, I…
Alone Together
I just got off the phone with my good friend Dominic. We don’t talk to each other too often, maybe once a month, but when we do, I always feel so good. He lives up in the Bay Area, from where I moved from last year. We have been to many of the same places, and always have similar stories to share with each other. He’s originally from my new home…
My Other Ring
About four months after Phil’s death, I returned to my nail salon for the first time since being widowed. As I sat in the chair trying to keep it together while idle chatter swirled around me, my manicurist looked up and asked if I was going to take off my rings. Absently I handed them to her (my engagement ring, my wedding ring, and Phil’s wedding…
Last Walk
***This was written 2 days ago*** Charlie… Charlie is more than a dog. Though my family had him since he was a puppy, in 2004 he came to live with me full-time. He became king. Always having been an outside dog, he was thrown into a world where he didn’t have to fight to get to the dog bowl and got to sleep among pillows and soft comforters. An…
Yes
I think for a long time I thought that I’d feel happiness through some sort of thick membrane – see it, sort of touch it, and even be able to experience it in a distant way, but I doubted I’d ever feel genuinely happy again. I was certain the lessons that life had taught me would keep me removed from true happiness – I just wouldn’t be able to let…
Bromance
Well, I’m dating. Okay, maybe I’m not really dating. I’m just not quite sure what to call it. It’s been awhile since I dated anyone, and, it’s been awhile since I have felt the need to qualify exactly what I am doing with another person. It’s kind of odd, going out with someone, talking, and texting several times throughout the week, wondering…
Parenthesis, year 4
***If you’re reading this, it is officially May 21st, 2011. The four year angel-versary of my love. I’m writing this a week in advance, and hopefully have succeeded in doing my fourth skydive jump on the 20th (If I don’t blog next week, I’ll tell all your loves “hello” ;D ). This has become an annual event for the military widows of our…