Maggie kept the beat in our relationship when it came to social engagements. She injected me into a lively social world that held me captive to weekends packed with activities, most of which were not optional. Now, without her overwhelming influence, I find myself woefully disengaged with what I think most people would consider normal life. We had…
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Left Behind
Two years ago, on November 17th, my husband and I were getting married. It was a chilly autumn day, and the rain paused long enough for us to gather at the registry office in New Mills for our simple, beautiful ceremony. Later, we brought close friends and family to our local pub, The Beehive, for a reception and delicious dinner. No one from…
That Which Doesn’t Kill Me
Yesterday was one of those days in this after life that was both incredible and heartbreaking all at once. Earlier this year, I started going to the gym and took up Crossfit to try and get into shape. I hadn’t done anything for over a year since he died and was really out of shape. Not to mention I’ve never really been athletic my entire adult…
Wish You Were Here, Uncle Dan
My usually quiet, peaceful and tidy sanctuary of a home has been turned in to a messy playground for two boisterous little boys this weekend… and I’ver never been happier to have my orderly life turned up-side-down. You see, Dan’s sister is visiting from interstate with her husband and two young boys, aged two and four, and it’s just been…
Let It In
I am not sure where it came from. I am not sure why. I am not sure what actions or non-actions or grief-work or thoughts led to this way that I feel today. This week. This moment. This now. I am not sure of anything, but it happened. I am back to loving Christmas. Monday morning of this week, after 3 years and almost 4 months of living with the…
Circle of Remembrance
Last Friday our local Kona Hospice hosted their annual Circle of Remembrance event at Hulihe’e Palace. I didn’t go last year; I think it was all just too raw for me then, but this year I felt myself drawn there. I’ve been taking part in their grief counseling services for over a year now which is free for spouse and child loss. We are incredibly…
On This Day
I don’t know what makes one day, one moment, more impossible than another. Grief is just that way. For me, it isn’t a matter of grief suddenly showing itself; it’s more a matter of at any one moment I’m better able to keep it under my skin as opposed to right on top. It isn’t less or more than; it’s just under or on top of. Today,…
The Backpack
The other day, a post-Maggie friend asked how I became so well adjusted, having put all the stuff that happened behind me. I was careful not to snort my drink through my nose upon hearing her well-intended question; such a reaction might have been confusing to her. When I asked what she meant, she described how she thought I had such a great…
Knowing What I’m Doing
I’m a planner. Always have been. I was forward planning on potential outcomes throughout Ian’s illness. When it looked like he was going to survive, albeit severely disabled from a massive stroke, I was looking at house plans or for places to live near his mother’s nursing home in order to keep our family as close together as possible. Same…
The Bench
From the first time I met him, Stan spoke to me of his impending death. Not that he dreamt it would be happening anytime, soon. He just seemed to have a keen awareness of the one, inescapable fact of life we all share—that we will one day die. Perhaps it was his witnessing of the untimely death of a close friend that kindled his awareness.
The Missing Dress Meltdown
I’m completely devastated this week. There was a horrible mixup while I was out of town last week and I discovered that a dress was accidentally thrown out. Not just a dress – but THE dress which I have been wearing in every weekly self portrait I have taken for the past 7 months (shown above). It was the main prop in this year-long series about…
What People Think
A family friend recently asked my sister how I was doing, and then seemed surprised when she replied that I’m still very sad a lot of the time and cry often. It got me thinking, if I don’t regularly remind the world that I’m missing Dan and still grieving him, will they assume I’ve ‘finished’ or was past that ‘phase’? In the months after his death…