I awakened this morning, on the last day of 2014, with the images of my sister and mother on my heart. They died 6 and 7 years ago, respectively, during the holiday season, and I realised I had done nothing, this year, to mark their lives and deaths—not a picture or a mention, anywhere. I have been so consumed with the loss of my beloved that…
Blog
NYE Trauma and its Lessons
I shared about a month ago about going on a first date with someone. And it’s very hard to share today how that unfolded. Despite my knowing that this person had a lot of problems of his own, I decided to open up and get to know him. For about a month now we’ve talked, had a second date recently. He made me laugh more than anyone has in a long…
The Next Chapter
Well so far, 2015 is not going as planned, as I came down with a yucky head cold on New Years Day and have spent the past few days in bed, wishing Dan were here to fuss over me.I had such grand plans of spending the last few days of my Summer holiday enjoying time with my family and friends, hitting the gym to start shaking the couple of kilos that…
New Years Crash
Ever since that calendar started to read 2015 about 24 hours or so ago, I have been feeling a little bit down. I keep forgetting that New Years Eve and New Years Day make me incredibly sad. I don’t know why I keep forgetting this, but I do. Each year since my husband’s death, the sadness surrounding New Years always seems to come out of nowhere and…
Taking a Memo
A dear high school friend I had dinner with when I was back in my home town for Christmas told me something that resonated quite deeply. She was making the point after we started talking about what my reality has been like for me the past nearly two years after losing Mike, how my perspective has shifted so enormously, and that I find myself at a…
Will the Stars and Moon Answer Me?
Even while I’m engaged in various activities, my mind’s eye, my heart’s eye, is searching for something that will ring a bell of recognition within me. Something that will make my heart say oh, that’s what I’ve known all along and didn’t remember I knew! That something that will ease some of the devastating ache of my soul and heart and body.
Another Year Over
Another number away from the “2012” in which Ian died. One thing I read late last year was people doing a ‘word’ for the year, not New Years Resolutions, which seemed a far more sensible way to go than dragging out the perennial resolution that never gets stuck to. The word that stuck out to me at the beginning of the year was Faith. Not religious…
Broken Open
My heart has been broken by the death of my husband. It feels unfair that he left us so soon. We were just beginning our lives together. We were good companions and the best of friends. He had children and grandchildren who needed his guidance. He was on the cusp of transforming his life.When my heart feels broken, I draw the curtains and shut the…
Neighbors of the Heart
It’s been a few weeks since I shared about going on my first date with someone since my fiancé died. I have been through every wave of emotion imaginable since then. I have cried buckets of tears for how much this experience has made me miss my fiancé. For how much all of this is bringing up old familiar memories and joys I shared with him…
Those Who Don’t Know Grief
As I write this we’re full swing into the holidays and I’ve survived Christmas Day, Boxing Day and am about to head to my parent’s house for a large lunch celebration with 20 or so members of extended family. I’m absolutely exhausted, but hanging in there. I’ve heard many widowed people say that the second year can be harder than the first,…
Snowglobe
I did it. I survived, and sometimes even thrived, Christmas day. It is now Christmas night, and I sit here in my parents dining room on my laptop writing this blog. I am staying with them for 10 days over the holiday, in Massachusetts, away from my usual NYC apartment and life. I love being here. I love my family. However … and there is ALWAYS a…
A Leaf Adrift
Somehow it ended up that Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s Day all fell on Thursdays this year, my day to write. It is the season so I know it doesn’t really matter what day we write or what, if any, religion we practice – holiday time in general is hard for us widowed folk, but it certainly rings very clearly that I’m posting on days that…