This past week one of the most amazing things happened to me that has happened in my “after” life. I was selected as a finalist for a magazine cover of an art magazine – for one of my photographs that tells part of my grief journey – and ended up winning the final vote. It is the first time my art will be published on a magazine cover. This is huge…
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Disconnected by Pain
Last weekend, both my sister and my best friend were out of town on (separate) family holidays when my grief decided it might be a good time to roll on up and knock me around for a bit. Knowing I was in for a quiet weekend, I had set myself a few tasks around the house and planned to lay low, catch up on laundry and housework, do some cooking for…
Catch
The other day, my cat Sammy was lying on the couch, when my other cat Autumn jumped up next to him. She looked at Sammy for a few seconds, and then started to slowly lick him and clean him all over his face and neck. This went on for awhile. Then, she sort of kissed his nose a bit, and slowly sat herself down right next to Sammy, leaning against…
Hurricane Grief
Last weekend a friend who is dear to me and was dear to Mike since nearly the day we moved to Kona in 2001 had a terrible asthma attack. This young man was 11 when we met him. He is now 25, so we have seen him grow up into a young adult. He and his mom were devoted students of Mike’s for many years in martial arts, and since his father was not…
Consolidating
Before my mum and step-dad passed in 2008, they would often have discussions about the stuff in their farmhouse and outbuildings.My mum would always say “we need to consolidate”, to which my step-dad would reply “you mean throw out”. Yep, that’s exactly what she meant. But he just couldn’t do it, so it never happened and it was left to my…
Winter’s Snow
On this bleak, grey, England winter’s day, I remember the comforting quiet of snow. Stan loved the snow. He would sit for hours, watching it. When we first began to talk to each other, he told me that he wanted to move to the Northeastern coast of England, near Whitby, where he said they had a ‘proper winter’. Proper winter? I had moved to England…
The Long Pause
Another week has passed, and I’ve had some more time to reflect back on the NYE experience I had with a guy. It was the first person I became physical with since my fiancé. You’ll recall, he had less than admirable intentions with me – which he hid well. Intentions which I found out after several dates and a lot of letting my guard down.
Saudade…the Love that Remains
The absence of my husband has been a very physical sensation over the past few days. It’s as if my body is aware on a cellular level that his isn’t here any more. I’ve been longing to be near him.I’m not talking about sex, it’s that so-hard-to-describe feeling that would come over me when I was in his presence. Like a mixture of safety, calm,…
Leaving Me
I took a short nap tonight, which I almost never do, because I SUCK at napping. (I have trouble falling asleep, and then when I do, I want to sleep for hours, and I wake up feeling worse and more tired than before the nap, and then I can never sleep later that night because I napped during the day.) Please, good people of earth, remind me to…
A Good Cup of Coffee
The feeling of “different” in this new year is hard to ignore. The blustery and yes, chilly, air here in this Hawaii January at our altitude somehow serves to remind me that changes will continue to happen, and the unexpected might still be lurking around the corner. When I woke up this morning I lay there for a few minutes thinking about the…
Of Shoes and Ships and Universes and…
I watched “Interstellar” at the movies a few days ago and came away agitated. It’s a movie that deals with our loved ones existing in parallel universes. Multi-dimensional worlds where we and our loved ones exist on different planes, with real possibilities of communication between the two.Last week I wrote in my blog about researching this…
Next to Me
After Ian died, I adapted back to being in the house as an only adult on my own pretty quickly. I’d lived here on my own for some 6 years before Ian moved in, and he was here for two and a half years. Reverting to a known mode of operation, although unwanted, wasn’t that difficult. Yes I had to factor in care of a toddler, but having to manage…