I’m feeling quite proud of myself today. I’ve been going through a bit of a tough patch in the past couple of weeks yet despite this, I’ve been riding it well. If there is such a thing as ‘good widowing’ then I think I deserve some kind of gold star. I guess, what I’ve really noticed this past week, is that when the familiar feelings of ‘this…
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Jumble
The other day, I had this thought: Sometimes happiness, sadness, longing, anxiety, excitement, knowing, unknowing, trepidation, laughter, hesitant joy, hope, anxiousness, fear, familiarity, the past, the present, the possibilities, and the thrill of something new – are all simultaneously existing in the same conversation, the same moment even.
A sea of flowers
So last Friday was the annual Circle of Remembrance memorial held by the Kona Hospice. It takes place at Hulihe’e Palace, an absolutely beautiful spot in Kona town. The building itself has a lot of history for Hawaii, which I thought about a lot sitting there; the place has a lot of history for me personally too. Mike loved it so, so much…
The Lovely Dance of Grief~
Tuesdays used to be only about writing my WV blog. Now they’re also about my EMDR sessions, so please bear with me as my brain and heart work overtime.Who knew that guilt could beat so strongly in me? Me, who loved my husband Chuck dearly, me who showed that love to him continually? He knew I loved him and told me frequently how much that…
It is not the Mountains we Conquer
“It is not the mountains we conquer, but ourselves. – Sir Edmund Hillary” I’ve walked in nature my entire life. I’ve hiked, and camped in woods, deserts, jungles, alpine mountains, swamps, boreal forests, and caves. I’ve lived, overnight, in snow, thunderstorms, ungodly heat, wind, and cold. Mosquitos have eaten me alive, and bears…
One More Phone Call, Please?
Sometimes the tears sneak up on you. Sometimes you are just going about your morning, having a cup of coffee, watching the news, having no thoughts in particular to the past or about missing anyone… and suddenly something goes right into that wound and touches it. Touches the loss in a way that makes you erupt in tears. This very thing happened…
All I Can Be, For Now
Well, no doubt about it, I’ve had a tough week. Following the birth of my best friend’s baby last weekend, which I assisted with, I knew it was inevitable that an emotional crash would follow such a confronting experience. Having a front row seat for someone else’s transformation into the role of mother was more difficult than I’d feared. …
… And Still
This is going to be short and sweet. I have so much going on this week that there is no time to really sit down and write something of value or deep thought, so Im going to share a short stanza / piece that I wrote a couple days ago on my Facebook page. I was going about my day, at 4.5 years into this “my husband is dead” life, when all of a…
Death blows
I’ve been thinking about death a lot this week…how could you not. Not only do we have our own personal losses always dangling in our hearts, but when well known cultural icons pass away the whole world mourns for them and then it’s everywhere. David Bowie played such a huge role in my youth. He broke down barriers, broke new ground…broke…
Holding on Tightly~
In my heart, I’m carrying all the trauma from those 3 weeks when I went into auto pilot, (as we all do at such a time). Those 3 weeks where I was as present as could be to the best of my abilities as he and I said our goodbyes and my heart broke into pieces that were so huge and so small that they became invisible shards, but 3 weeks where I…
Changing of the Colors
I bought my house almost 11 years ago. It was our “starter home”, and Megan and I were married a month after we moved in. We did what most couples do. We painted the major rooms before moving in, and left some of the rooms for me to repair and remodel after we were situated. Megan had a style of her own, that I was, being the husband,…
Unraveling Grief: Things I’ve Learned About Letting Go
The other day I was filling out a workbook that I have done several times in January… called Unraveling the Year Ahead. It’s a wonderful workbook created by author, photographer and teacher Susannah Conway. This little booklet is filled with solid questions to get you to write down your reflections on the past year – release what you want to,…