Tonight I went out into NYC to hang with some friends in the comedy world, and to see my dear friend and legendary comedian Elayne Boosler host a live TV taping of a stand-up comedy show called “Gotham Live” on AXIS TV. She got me into the show along with a few others as her guest, and there was an after-party downstairs at the club following the…
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So Long, Subaru
My car is dead. Mike and I bought our Subaru in 2005 anticipating the arrival of his girls on the island; at the time we had only his pickup truck – which I still have – so we needed more of a family car. It’s funny how cars hold such a sentimental value. I’ve been asked several times if I’d sell his truck: NO WAY. It’s old, dirty and…
My Compass~
This poem pretty much nails it for me, what it is…this missing-ness. I wonder if this…the feelings conveyed in the poem, ever really go away. Will there be a time when I don’t feel this weight? Will I ever feel joyous again? Will I ever have any sense of who I am again? Because for 24 years I felt these things and I loved who I was. So, I…
Oh, the Places we Didn’t Go
As I move forward without Megan, I can’t help but think about things we did and trips we took together. I want to be able to share those memories, and relive some of those places with Shelby, and Sarah as well. Just because Megan and I enjoyed going to a particular place together doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t also share that with someone…
Fellow Grief Travellers
I learned the other day that my oldest brother and his wife are coming to visit, in November. They are going to Ireland, first, with their church, and then coming to spend a few days with me. It is the first time that a family member (besides my son) has come to see me, here in England, since I moved here 6 years ago. I am touched that he would…
Turning A New Page
I am sitting in my hotel room in Toronto writing… trying to find the best and most concise way to describe all that has happened in the past seven days of my life. I say “most concise” because I’ve got a bag to pack, and many wonderful widow friends to still say farewells to before leaving Camp Widow Toronto. In a nutshell, the past week has…
Suicide, my Life Sentence
This Thursday was World Suicide Prevention Day, which brought up a lot of mixed emotions for me. In the past 25 months since my husband’s death, I have grown and healed and taken many significant steps into my new life, however I don’t think I’ll ever reach the point where I stop wishing that I could have saved him. His depression was a…
Defining Family
If you had asked me to define the word “family” just over 4 years ago, I probably would have said that my family is my husband. He is my family. And then my parents and my brother, and then my cousins and aunts and uncles and other relatives that we saw on holidays, or some of them several times a year at gatherings and parties. Maybe I would have…
Straddling Two Worlds
I feel as if I’m living life with each foot in a different world. One is still firmly planted in the life I shared with Mike. The imprint, not just of Mike himself, but of the life we had together, the World of Mike and Steph, is always there. I never stop wondering what we would be doing now were he still alive…I never stop referring to him,…
Separate and Together~
I’m two people and I don’t know how to resolve that. Or if it can be resolved. Or if it will be resolved.In some ways, this isn’t new to me. I’m a Gemini, after all. Twinsies. Never has that been more apparent than since Chuck’s death. And I know I’m not alone in this feeling of separateness, this another person exists within the self…
A New Addition
Just a few days ago, Sarah arrived here in Ohio to visit for the first time. This is something we have both been waiting months for. As our relationship grew over the phone and Skype, the discussion arose on when she would finally meet Shelby, my parents, and Megan’s parents. When we first discussed, we agreed that now, in September, she…
Wrong Colours, Wrong Seasons
Last week, the blooming heather in the hills called to me, and I set my feet upon the path to get to it. Around me there was the nutty smell of new mown hay, waiting to be bundled, the sun’s rays filtered through soft layers of cloud, and the vibrant oranges, purples, and reds of autumn’s last flowers in bloom. I watched silently as a rabbit…