Weddings can be a huge trigger for many widow(ers). It makes sense that attending a wedding brings up memories of one’s own wedding day. They emphasize that, at one time, you were married too, but now, your relationship status is somewhat murky, to say the least. Seeing a bride walk down the aisle, with a combination of tears and smiles,…
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To my kids, I’m sorry
Some weeks are just harder than others. Some weeks everything just weighs on me more. This was one of those weeks. I love my kids with everything I have. I honestly don’t think I would of gotten through any of this without them. They have always been my reason for living. For pushing forward, for fighting through the grief and never going off the…
Poetry: Building Up The Bones
This is where I am now. After the flesh of me has been stripped Ripped from me without warning After being skinned alive Left with nothing but bloody fingernails From trying so hard to hold on… Now. At last. I Let the old slide off my bones And let the present clean them Leaving a pristine framework For fresh Layers of me to grow upon For a new…
The Same Changing Tides
How many times can I write of the same pain? The same silent cries and the screams without sound. The aches I allow no one to witness and the angry and afraid version of myself no one would believe really exists. It’s a perspective I wish the world knew and a reality no one should have to live with. Choosing to show friends, only the side of…
A Slice of Hope
So, what Im about to write here today may, on the surface, seem to have nothing at all to do with grief or with being widowed – and maybe it doesnt, but it also does. This election and everything surrounding it, has affected me in ways I cannot even describe. It has brought back the intense grief of losing my husband, and I did not expect those…
A Quiet Moment
I’m taking advantage of a quiet moment when dad is sleeping to put down a few thoughts for this week’s blog. Because when he is awake, our moments are not quiet. Bless his heart, dad is just uncomfortable in his own skin. He can’t sit still and is constantly asking for help, even though he’s not sure what he needs help for. He is wobbly but he can…
My Brain in Short Sentences~
I Am So tired. Living Without him Is exhausting In Every way.I work Hard Every day To create a New life And it takes Every damn bit of Energy to Do that because Really (shhh, it’s a secret) I don’t Give a damn about Creating A new life Without him But I’m supposed to Care and I have to support myself So…. I do what I need To do but Honestly…
Making Lemonade out of Death
Everyone has their own coping mechanisms when dealing with loss. Some turn to creative pursuits, creating paintings, books, photos, and sculptures that serve as an outlet for pain and frustration, and a visual representation of hope. Others become quieter people, spending less time socializing with friends and family, and more time socializing…
Quilts and Flowers
This week I took two huge steps in this journey of grief. I did not plan on them happening in the same week or even on the same day. But that’s what ended up happening. It’s weird how when you change things in your home or your life the different emotions that come with it. I always feel so much guilt when I move his stuff out of the place he left…
One Month Till One Year
One month till one year, it’s difficult to find the words. Disbelief sums it up well. Disbelief that only one year ago we were living out our dreams together, both so insanely happy and in love. Never could I have imagined our happiness was just a mere month from being ripped away. Its eleven months today. On this day last year he was at work and…
Beautifully Broken
I have always believed that we are all connected – that every one of us on this earth, connects to each other in both tiny and ginormous ways – sometimes without even knowing it or realizing it. Some connections are obvious right away, others become more obvious with time, and still others are a puzzle to be figured out at a later date. Whatever…
D-Day
For any new readers, this is a continuation of my current situation which involves being back in Virginia, where I grew up, from my home of 15 years in Kona, Hawaii, where I lived with my beautiful late husband until his death in 2013 and further into my strange new world without him with a new boyfriend and my dogs, until the foreclosure is…