I’ve been really missing my husband this week. I miss him every week, of course, but this week his absence has been palpable. I’m not sure why, maybe it’s because I’ve been spending a bit of time helping a friend who has a new born baby, which is a sensitive issue for me. Maybe it’s because yesterday marked the 15-month anniversary.
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Trying to Keep an Open Heart
I just want to be alone so much lately. I’ve always been a bit introverted, but I literally haven’t wanted to be around anyone at all lately – and that’s not like me. For me, it can be so easy to just close off from the world. I know it’s one of those things I have to be careful about keeping in check. Particularly as an artist – it is extremely…
Just Pray
Okay. So I’m probably going to alienate some people or piss some people off with this post today, but you know what? The reason I’m writing it in the first place is because I feel alienated every single day, by the very same people who will be angry or upset by this post. Besides, my intention is not to upset anyone. My intention is, as always, to…
It’s Complicated
Recently I’ve had people say to me, when they learn I’ve been widowed, well, you know he’ll always be with you. I know they say that with all the best intentions…and in a way, I agree, because yes, he will always be in my heart. But it’s not as easy as that. Regardless of what my personal spiritual beliefs are, saying something like that can…
What Time Means. And Doesn’t
Today marks 18 months since my husband died. One and a half years. Forever. He was in the Air Force and often went TDY (temporary duty) in our first years together and mostly I didn’t know where he was during those times and would watch the news to maybe figure it out. But he was never gone for more than a few weeks at a time and then he’d be…
Comprehension
One thing I’ve struggled with is how to manage John’s understanding of Ian dying. Of having a daddy, but having no memory of him. We’re a family of faith, actively involved in our church community so that gave me a bit of framework to use. We talk about daddy going to heaven, as opposed to other explanations. When ever I’ve been talking to John…
When Sick Was Pretty
This past week, I’ve been under the weather with a mysterious illness. On Tuesday, my lymph nodes started to swell up. By Wednesday they were the size of golf balls and very tender. And then some glands in my cheeks started to do the same. Needless to say, by Wednesday night I looked like I had gained twenty pounds on my face. I actually had no…
When Friends Aren’t in your Corner
Someone asked me recently besides missing him, what is the hardest part about Dan’s death. There are so many ways I could have responded to this and, realistically, the answer probably changes depending on the kind of day I’m having. It’s hard not having that person in your corner, your partner, that first one you’d always call to share happy…
Sit With It
Someone else. For three years and a couple of months now, those words and that concept has been one that I simply cannot deal with or even picture. For 3 years, the very idea of someone else, someone other than my husband who I’m supposed to grow old with decades from now, sent me into instant panic. It still does. It still makes me shake and…
A Fork in the Road
I spend a lot of time these days thinking about what it was like to have Mike around. I find myself lost in this dreamland of days gone by – not really remembering anything in particular, not necessarily a specific memory of something we did together – I just find myself trying to grasp that mindspace where he still existed. What it felt like when…
Cadence Count
Moving through grief is similar to moving through deep, dark mud and muck. Lifting your feet to take another step forward takes every bit of determination and strength. Sometimes you look down and you can’t even see your feet, never mind lift them to take that step. When you do lift them, they are covered with mud to the point of not being…
Different life
I’m in that lovely crunch time in semester where I have assignments and other assessments coming out of my butt and I seriously question the sanity of going back to school. Ok, I’m always questioning the sanity of that choice! Which has had me thinking in the last day or so as I worked on cost accounting exercises – would I be doing this if…