There were two really meaningful things about Thanksgiving for me this year. Firstly, I was at my sister’s house in upstate New York. For the first time in our adult lives, we now live close enough to each other that we can do the holidays together. This is an enormous deal for me… one that makes me wish our mom was alive to be a part of it…
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357 Days of a Widows Grief
As much as I try to escape it, that day has been on replay in my mind for the past few weeks. The lead up to the one year mark of the day life changed. Terrified at the thought of what emotions this day will bring me. Angry that this day has a place in my life at all. And an overshadowing sadness that engulfs and strangles me with the thought that…
Hangover
Remember those Thanksgiving days, when you were a kid, and just after the giant meal was over, Uncle Bill or your dad or Grandpa Joe, or all three or more , would sit in the living room on the couch and recliner chairs, and proceed to unbutton the top button of their pants so they could breathe better? Or that feeling you got after eating ninety…
I have to go home
Well, the deed is done. Dad is in a home. But it’s not his home. We are crippled with sadness. Coming back to the house afterwards reminded me so much how it felt at my house after Mike died. Like the energy was sucked up into a vortex and we were left with this black emptiness.We know in our hearts no one will be able to give him the kind of care…
In the After~
Living in the after My heart in the before My passion in the before Most of me, really, in the before I don’t know how to be In this afterI don’t know how to love life In this after All of me resides in the before Because nothing seems to matter In this after Memories of Love Of being held Lightness of being Instead of this heaviness In this…
Blunting the Knife
Saturday marked two years since Megan’s death. I could sit down to write about how it was a horrible weekend, curling into the fetal position and crying more often than not. I could note how the minute I woke up, a tightness seized in my chest and a chill shot through my body. I could give an anecdote about walking through our dining…
Happy 15th Birthday
November 20, 2001 I gave birth to my first child. Four years later Joey came into our lives and welcomed Dominic with open arms. Dominic had Joey longer than any of his biological children. And was always treated as one of his. Over the years there became intention in their relationship. Dominic rebelled against Joey, mainly because he had a father…
Life is for Living
In a few weeks, Mike will be going on his first major backpacking trip since I have moved here. This is a big deal for me. Drew died while he was away on a trip. Mike is going to be alone in the woods, in potentially dangerous cold temperatures, with zero cell service, for several days. One of the reasons that he hasn’t been on any solo…
Her Beautiful Smile
I learned this morning that a good friend of Johns passed away yesterday afternoon, in the same way that he passed. Her passing is all too familiar and stirs up so many emotions. Following the shock I was overwhelmed with sadness for her and her family, the future they no longer have and that she no longer has. Grief consumes and there are no words…
Further Away
Do you ever feel like the life that you had, and the person you were with (who died), is just slipping further and further away? Does it ever feel like you’re driving down the road, some long and unknown highway, with no destination or reason, and when you look in your rearview mirror – that life that you knew just gets smaller and smaller? Do…
You Can Fly
I sat down this chilly morning in Virginia to write this update. I’m working from my iPad here, and midway through I got up to take a shower. I closed my iPad. When I got back downstairs and opened it to continue writing there was, strangely, a song playing. I hadn’t opened the music app on this thing – ever. I don’t even know what music is on here…
Stardust Dances and the Universe~
Swirling and dancing back and forth Dipping and swaying in time…Dance me to the End of Love…with Leonard Cohen You’re the Inspiration….with Chicago When I Said I Do…with Clint Black Around the kitchen into the dining room In the backyard under the canopy With the flowers bright around us Under a full moon with the dark skies around us and…