Before Phil died, I was that friend. The one you called when you were mad at your husband and needed to tell someone what he did who wouldn’t hold it against him later. I was the person who could be counted on to answer the phone at odd hours; watch your kids if you needed a break; or the one person who would remind you of your new years…
Blog
Emergency
Ever since April 16, 2009 I have struggled with what name to put in the blank space that says “In Case of Emergency”I loathe that blank space. It reminds me no one will love my kids as ferociously, as tenderly, as fully as Art did. It makes me want to go back to bed as if sleep will solve the issue. …
Knowledge
Someone once said that it is knowledge sets us free, but as I’ve learned, everyone’s knowledge is different. After Michael died I knew nothing but one thing in life. I could no longer answer questions on why or how things turned out as they did. I could not tell you right from left. As time has passed though, I have embraced the unknown and learned…
silence and vulnerability
The middle of the night is where I feel your void most intensely. I attempt to busy my brain with other less painful activities. I lay in our nightlight lit room listening to the drippy wet sounds of the aquarium down the hall, the monotonous whirr of the bathroom fan left on, the refrigerator starting up yet again. I attempt to make a mental list…
a happy memory
brooke and i took maddy to the santa monica pier for a day of fun. it didn’t start off too well because madeline’s forehead took a direct hit when a pigeon flew over her. (she was calm throughout, and didn’t seem to mind, unlike brooke and me). so why am i bringing this up today? well, because maddy did. last week. on the way to…
Places Where I’ve Cried ….
This is part of a post I wrote February 7, 2008, about a month and a half after Jim’s death. I have yet to go back and read every post since he died ….. especially the early ones. I’m not sure when I’ll feel able to do that …. to go back to that very dark, very lonely place where death seemed to be the only escape. But I will ….. some…
Rose Colored Glasses?
What do you see when you look at this picture? I see love, fun, teamwork, happiness. A couple of years ago this picture, as happy as it is, would have made me sad. I would have seen sadness, loss, something missing. Unexpectedly, I am finally able to see what is there instead of always focusing on what or who is not. It’s huge. It also happened…
I Think I’m Ready To Start Dating. I Think.
I think I’m ready to try my hand at dating. I think. In thinking about the possibility of dating, I did something I have never done before, I went back and read something I wrote during my early days of being widowed. It was a post from my own blog, where I was discussing how our song, “Something Stupid,” came to be.In that post I was talking about…
Another
I had a conversation yesterday with a widower. He’s three months ahead of me He wanted to meet me after his sister, a friend, showed him my black widow photoIt was a conversation that felt good, connected and real. It was a conversation with laughter and head nodding (which he didn’t see cause we were on the phone.) It was a conversation of…
Shine A Light
I must admit…I love films. Foreign especially, but anything thought and emotionally provoking will do. What can I say? Michael and I first kissed while watching “American Beauty”, it’s just the kind of couple we are.Tonight I found myself watching “Anna and the King”, a remake of “The King and I”, which I thoroughly enjoyed with the widowhood…
safety freak
My minivan has a back-up beeper installed and I never fail to wear safety goggles when required. I realize that teenagers at the bus stop snicker as I stride by sporting my safety vest covered in all it’s reflective glory and a red light flashing out a constant reminder of the whereabouts of my hind-end. And in the past, I would have worried that…
34 months.
January 25th. 34 months. it’s been awhile since i felt like this on a 25th.i never forget the day, (never) or what happened all those months ago. (never). but sometimes i i don’t realize it’s the 25th until i’m halfway through the day. but on this 25th, i was feeling it. all day. i don’t know why. … that evening i got to my happiness. my…