For the first few years after Drew died, I lived in between lives. Back then, I remember distinctly feeling that way. Many of the photographs I took spoke to this. I wasn’t in my old life, nor was I in what I would define as a new life. I recall wondering what it would be like to one day live in a new life, instead of the in-between. Back then, I…
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Wanting Love
I feel like I feel too much and think too much when really I shouldn’t overthink the concept at all. Just flow with life and the new beginnings it may bring. Enjoy it for all that it is and could be. Instead though, I feel guilty and scared. Scared that if I allow myself to love again, that love will be taken away. Guilty that I have thoughts of…
Bringing You Closer
A couple of weeks ago, I gave away some of Don’s music things – a VOX amp, (like the one The Beatles used, which I know because my husband told me that ALL THE TIME) an equalizer, sound mixer, and more – to a close family friend who is both a sound engineer/ editor, and musician / drummer. I have always given away things that belonged to Don -…
Limbo Girl
In a few weeks we will hit the four year mark of Mike’s death. Four years. On that day I will have survived 1,460 days without him. I only got 5040 days with him. Life for those of us left behind continues to speed by. Some days I panic a little that grief has stolen so much time. Then I realize how much grief has taught me, and how much I have…
This Love, this Love, this Love~
Valentine’s Day draws near and I know that many of us anticipate a day filled with reminders of how our person isn’t here with us, and the pain that gets all twisted up with his or her absence. I get it, and I feel it too. My and Chuck’s anniversary is just a few days later. Double whammy in the gut. But, yeah, Valentine’s Day. As…
Needing the Deads’ Voice
Just two weeks ago, I wrote of a friend that was, at the time, fighting for her life in the ICU, hoping for a lung transplant. She was on death’s door, and no one could guess if she would make it another week, waiting for a donor. I am happy to say, that, as of yesterday, she received her transplant. A call came in late in the night on…
Life speed bumps
Isn’t weird how it’s always the little things that set you off. Turn you into a crying blob. I remember being very set on leaving every single thing exactly as it was when Joey was here. Nothing was going to change. We were going to preserve life just as we know it. But overtime we realize that this just isn’t a reality. Living completely in the…
The Journey of a Life
There are days that make you look at the places you are arriving more than the ones you are leaving behind. Mike and I spent most of the afternoon yesterday out hiking. It was the first warm, sunny day we’ve had in ages in Ohio… and it put me in an especially grateful mood just to be existing and feeling the sunshine. We went to a big…
The Battlefield With Grief
Beginning with a popular quote, “Sometimes the strongest people are the ones who cry behind closed doors and fight battles that nobody knows about.” Unknown to most, this is a glimpse of my battle. A glimpse of a widow’s battle. I search for him as though he’s just lost somewhere waiting to be found. Late night walks alone on the beach…
Overload
So, my life used to be nothing but grief. The first few days, months, and even years after losing my husband to sudden death, were filled with grief, almost 24/7. I was always in pain, always crying or trying really hard not to cry, always overcome with emotions and overwhelming intense darkness. Every part of my days and my nights were taken over…
Another Runner Up?
I derive a lot of inspiration reading the other writers here at Widow’s Voice. They are all strong, beautiful people with individual stories of tragedy and living this life. I feel honored to be listed on the same page as they are. Reading Michelle’s post this week, Runner Up, made me stop and think. I don’t write much about my boyfriend here. A…
Unbecoming Me~
Much of our adult lives are about unbecoming. Widowhood is very much about unbecoming. And, like any struggle to unbecome, it can be torturous. It is torturous. For me, at least. For many of us, I’m sure. But…unbecoming. I recognize that I must unbecome who I was. I was Chuck D’s wife. And oh, how I loved being his wife! Unbecoming…