Isn’t weird how it’s always the little things that set you off. Turn you into a crying blob. I remember being very set on leaving every single thing exactly as it was when Joey was here. Nothing was going to change. We were going to preserve life just as we know it.
But overtime we realize that this just isn’t a reality. Living completely in the past will only drive you insane. In order to heal and grow you must allow change in your life, you must allow yourself to evolve just as you would if he were here.
So over time I have changed some photos. I finally took the majority of his clothes out of the closet. Mostly to make more room for mine and also to make the kids quilts. But every time I have changed something like this I always have this terrible feeling of guilt. Like I’m leaving him behind. It’s a battle of living in the past and living in the now.
I cleaned out a kitchen junk cabinet and came across his diabetes kits and lost it. I sat on my corner and cried and sobbed clinging to these little things.
On Friday I had to get my tags renewed. His name was still on the title. So in order to renew them they made me take his name off. It just some how tears that wound back open. And so I sat at the DMV crying as she did it. Her look was not of compassion but of confusion. It’s just one more thing he is no longer apart of.
I’m trying my hardest to finding a balance of keeping his memory alive but allowing myself to move forward. To keeping his name a daily word and not being stuck in a world that does not exist anymore. It’s just another uphill climb of this mountain of a journey.