I wish it were simple. It should be simple. Why can’t it just be simple? The grieving part, the part where you are in emotional and sometimes physical pain 24/7 – that part is already hard enough. It’s downright impossible most days. So when you finally leave that part, and you come into this shift of something different, something else -…
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Wired
I just got home from a weekend in New York City and I am still vibrating from the energy.When I was married to Mike, it was his energy that vibrated through my being. Now that he is gone, am I just substituting? Maybe. But…before I met him, I remember thriving on the energy of Los Angeles…before that, DC, Georgetown…being around a diverse…
Owning up to What’s True. No Excuses.
How often does it strike right through you that you maybe, just possibly, will not survive this? This being the loneliness, the grief, the sadness, the confusion, the not knowing, the uncertainty, the anxiety, the desolation of living without your person? At times it hits me that I have now lived 1387 days +21 hours without Chuck. That’s 45 and a…
Words as Weapons
It’s no secret lately that I share my outlooks, experiences, and emotions with ruthless integrity, perhaps bordering upon over-sharing that information. Private anecdotes become public, once a week, as I write here. The quiet grumbles or “bad moods” that friends and family may see me in become soap-box seminars when it is in digital form…
The Secret Tears
Here’s to the tears we save for our dark bedrooms at night alone. The hours we spend a day remembering our old lives. Here’s to the bravery it takes to fake a smile everyday. Long after everyone has forgot our stories we cannot forget. The scars are too deep. The wounds never heal. It becomes overwhelming at times to be that person that is…
Evolving
Being that both Mike and I are both writers here, we do try to talk about our relationship as two widowed people, to share how this whole “chapter 2” thing can work. There are plenty of times this is awesome to write about – when we have things to share that show you how beautiful loving again can be. How beautiful it can be when two people…
Grieving Language Without Words
Around two weeks before John passed away we went together as a family to look at a new child care, closer to home to enrol my daughter Layla in. At the time she was attending a home childcare that had become like a family to her but they were over half an hour drive away from where we lived and where I work. We had decided to enrol her to begin the…
Desperate, Ugly, Pathetic
I am feeling down about myself. Every now and then I get this way. I absolutely HATE it when I get this way. There is nothing attractive or appealing about being or feeling this way. It is desperate. It’s pathetic. I fall into this place where I am searching and looking to feel pretty again, sexy again, wanted again. At this point, I would settle…
The Path Less Traveled
I am a rebel. I always have been. I do my homework and get good grades but then I sneak out to go to the party. You know? In other words, I’ve always done what was generally expected of me, but then I also tend to kind of run away and do what I want later. I went to college but did not go to law school like everyone else I knew. I did not get a…
It’s 2 AM. Do I Know Where my Brain is?
When does this change? The missing-ness? Does the emptiness ever fill up? I know that there are no solid answers for my questions but they invade my brain during my days and in the middle of the night. Sleeping with my arms wrapped around a soft pillow, trying to find some comfort in the feel of something, anything, pressed to my body. Does…
Devolve
I’m a mess lately. Around the start of this past holiday season, I began regressing to a point where I am again a cynical, grumpy, and in general, angry person. It has nothing to do with Sarah, Shelby, work, or even the holidays, really. It truly does have everything to do with the fact that Megan is no longer here. It’s not her death,…
Family time for the soul
This week we had some downtime and a day off school. So my sister and I took the kids to great wolf lodge for the night. This place holds lots of great and special memories for us as a family. We started going there when my now 7 year old daughter was just a baby. All the kids have been with their dad and have their own memories of being there. …