I just got home from a weekend in New York City and I am still vibrating from the energy.
When I was married to Mike, it was his energy that vibrated through my being. Now that he is gone, am I just substituting? Maybe. But…before I met him, I remember thriving on the energy of Los Angeles…before that, DC, Georgetown…being around a diverse crowd with seemingly endless possibilities…then came Mike. He became enough…he became everything. I willingly and happily gave up so much to be with him, to feel what life was like with him, and gained so much more…it was the most exciting, enlightening, informing, fulfilling times I may ever experience. I am a different person for having known him, forever changed in so many ways.
He is gone now. He is not here to talk about the day, the politics, the friends, the family, the hardships, the joys. He is not here to calm me down, he is not here to tickle my brain, he is not here to laugh with, to enjoy serenity with, to check out the latest thing with, to hug. He is not here to fix my back, or watch the next best sci-fi film with. He is not here to explore the realms of the spirit and the hereafter the way we did together, that will stay with me forever…he is now on the other side, and I can only wait for my time to join him in that most exciting dimension. (And yes I can wait, because I know I have much to do here first.)
I can’t ask him whether what I am doing now is right, or good. Well, I can…but, the answer comes in a much different way. I can only imagine what he would have said. I might hear him in my spirit, but not in my ear. I can’t look at him and see his lips moving.
He will never again grasp my hand, sweep my off my feet and hold me close. Until, maybe, when we meet again on the next plane.
Since he left me, nearly four years ago now, I have learned not to expect enlightenment in each moment as I did when he was alive. Well, at least, not in the same way. I go out in this world and experience things, and I only imagine what he might have said, felt, or advised with his unique knowledge and perspective. I rely now on my own experience, which is modulated in part by having known him, and in part through my own separate existence before, and after him. I feel I have a higher level of insight because I did know him…but he is not here to comment on the specifics or point out something I may not see. At the end of the day, it is my own voice that I hear. It is populated by his saying and wisdoms, and contains some of his essence, yes…but it is now my voice, not his. You know?
Am I looking for life in a busy metropolis now just because he is gone? I lived for so, so, so long in the smallest town on the most remote island with him, totally fulfilled, totally happy…it wasn’t perfect, but, it was all I needed. For so long. Because he was there. And now I am feeling the pull to change that. It’s not just that I’m losing my house and want to be closer to family. I realize I need the energy of busier places, of bigger possibilities…because the man who did that so uniquely for me for so long is gone.
Mike was my city. He was my metropolis.
He would never have left Kona. He didn’t, in fact; he died there. And when we first moved there we did not leave the island for like six years, when we were starting our business. Really. We didn’t leave, not for Christmas or anything. We couldn’t afford it, to be honest, and, wanted to stay on our little big island, safely, happily, warmly, alone together, and shut out the rest of the world. We did that, mostly successfully, for a long time.
I can’t do it anymore. I can’t shut it all out anymore without him with me. And I don’t want to.
I want life, light, people, vibrancy, closeness to family, friends, new friends, new possibilities, new career, culture, adventure…am I grasping? Am I trying to stuff that empty place he left with noise and movement so the silence isn’t so deafening? Maybe. But, this past weekend in New York, the reason I traveled there from where I am staying in Virginia, was to participate in a seminar with the founder of my nutrition school and it was incredibly empowering. I got to meet him, I got to meet other beautiful women on my same, yet different, journey…I got to experience a life on my own outside of Mike, outside of everyone and everything, and see new possibilities. For the first time in almost 20 years I feel like I found something for myself that will lead to great and positive things. For the first time in decades I feel free to rediscover myself. And I will not compromise that, though the way is paved with relationship and financial bumps and potholes, at least for awhile longer yet.
I can’t believe I have to be in this world without you, Mike. But I do. So I will do only what I can. I will walk the path I find, taking the scars and making them into stars, the way you taught me. I will look to the energy within and around me to wire and sustain me, since I no longer have access to yours. It will be a very different future than I imagined, but at least I have one.