Megan’s younger brother will be having a little boy sometime around late July, right around her birthday. He’s getting married in October, just after my birthday. Shelby is ten now, getting her straight A’s and growing like a weed. This past sunday, Sarah, Shelby and I attended a baby shower for two friends that were originally close to…
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Mixed Emotions
After two and a half months in Virginia helping my family through a medical crisis, I am finally back in Kona for a few final months. Kona, Hawaii, where I moved with my late husband in 2001. This magical, special and most beautiful place where we made so many memories.Mike is here. His spirit will always be here, to me, even as I take a part of…
Love. Only love.
When calls my heart To the distant past that is both yesterday and incalculably forever ago. When calls my heart To those feelings and emotions that seem so far distant And so deeply buried That they are unreachable. Unrememberable. Cherished. Loved. Nurtured. Secure. In Love. Joyous. Passionate. Spontaneous. Upbeat. What…
My Sister
One of the greatest gifts Joey ever gave me was his sister. She lived with us from the time we moved in together. And for six years after that. Her and her daughter were part of family. When they finally moved out because she got married it was very hard. It was like a part of our family left. She is not only my sister in law and best friend, she…
On the Other End of the Line
For the past few months, I’ve been on a different end of grief… in the ranks of those who are supporting another. Back in December, one of my closest girlfriends found out that her mom has throat cancer (never smokes a day in her life, mind you). Their holiday season was complicated by chemo treatments and all the sickness that comes along with…
Imagination
Imagine if every time we fell asleep we found ourselves in a dream with them. Where we could still be with them, living as though nothing had changed. No fear of falling asleep but rather looking forward to slumber. They still breathe, but only in your dreams. Would it be enough? Recreating their lives, your lives together. Purely with your…
I’m Not Okay
So next week, Im flying to Tampa, Florida, and attending Camp Widow for the 11th or 12th time, I think. I honestly have lost track of how many times I have attended as a presenter and given my comedic talk / performance on grief and loss. Maybe that’s a good thing, maybe it’s a bad thing, maybe its just a thing. Who cares. At the end of…
Not gone, Not gone
My husband is not gone from my life. He is not here to regale us with his stories…I must retell them as best I can remember, with little or none of the flair I remember him having. He is not here to sing to us, to dance with his grandchildren, to laugh with his family. But he is still around. I’m in Orlando at Disney World as I begin to…
Black Widow in Pink
The colors of widowhood. I reflect on them sometimes. The colors we wear. The colors we strive to wear personally and the colors social structures put on us, or expect from us. Maybe not so much in words, maybe not consciously, But still there. Black widows are the female spiders that kill their mates after…mating. It is the term used to refer to…
Routines
Hmmm, what to write about? Yes, it’s another one of those “blank stare” kind of days. I’ve poured my soul into writing here, week in and week out, for almost two years now, and if you’ve followed along, you know that every once in awhile… …there just isn’t anything to say.I could talk about Shelby turning ten, but I did that…
Scars
I have been told several times over the past two years I suffer from PSTD. I have never agreed to this diagnosis. I do not feel worthy of it. When I think of this condition I think of soldiers. People who witnessed horrific events. My tragedy is mine. I can recall very clearly the fire trucks, police and ambulances passing me, heading to him, only…
Dinner with Joey
The day before Joey died we went to a BBQ restaurant I used to work at. It had been ages since we had been in there and was good to see some old faces. That was the last meal we had together. Him, our youngest son, and me. I hate the food there probably from working there for so long but Joey loved it. I was getting ready to go out of the town for…