Another year as past. It’s hard to believe honestly. I tried my hardest this year to really allow myself to live. I took scary steps that at times made me feel horrible. It was always like I was leaving Joey behind when I did something new or changed something. But the reality is once it was done I felt good, I felt lighter. I know that doing these…
Here we are. A new year. I woke up feeling weird about that. I think mostly I am annoyed. Annoyed by all the expectation that society holds for everyone to have this wonderful sense of hope for what’s to come on this day. Annoyed that every widowed person out there has to deal with the weight of that expectation as they manage to crawl across…
I can hear the fire works from last years New Years Eve celebrations. They go off with a bang. Thoughts racing of families watching them with smiles and couples sharing kisses that would seal there love for the year ahead. Last NYE I sat alone on my bedroom floor, with photos sprawled in front of me. A pen in hand, writing letters to John…
Tomorrow is New Years Eve. My husband and I never really did anything special on New Years Eve. Before I was married, I never really did anything special on New Years Eve. When I was a lot younger, a teenager, some friends and I went into Boston for First Night, froze our asses off, and stood with the thousands of others to count down to…
I read on Facebook the other day that if the worst thing that happened to you this year was celebrity deaths and politics, you had a damn good year.Yeah. Dealing with Dad’s precipitous decline the past few months, and my Mom’s resulting agony, has been the worst thing that has happened to me since Mike died in 2013. And I have other friends who…
I was struck, recently, as I perused join requests on a fb group I began a few months ago, for widows who live on the road, or camp. I vet each request to ensure that each woman meets the requirements for our particular group. Within the group, we discuss, not surprisingly, intensely emotional topics around widowhood, and the challenges of…
Without a second thought, I stepped right into the holidays, as I’ve done for all but one year in the last 15 (the year Megan died was a little different). Just after Thanksgiving, we got our Christmas tree, put up lights on the house, decorated indoors, and as a first, we set up my old model train on the dining table, complete with snow,…
Holidays are always more intense. You notice the absence of your loved one even more. If this is your first Christmas without your spouse I’m truly sorry. If this is your tenth without your spouse I am still just as equally truly sorry. I remember my very First Christmas with Joey. We had been dating a few months and exchanged gifts on Christmas…
So it’s Christmas again (well, Christmas Eve actually as I write this to you). Yet again, I’m here, like we all are, having to deal with it. I would describe my attitude towards Christmas these past 4 years as apathetic at best. The first year, I was terrified, having never before faced a Christmas without him. The entire week leading up to…
This time last year I spent wishing my life away, wishing that it was all a mistake. Wishing that people were playing a cruel joke on me. Imagining that this wasn’t my life but that I was living someone else’s life and that the real me was still living a happy and blissful life in love where nothing had changed. Each day was spent running on…
Everyone is different, with this grief path. That is what we are all told. And it’s true. For example … Some may have chosen to call this a “grief journey.” I call it a path. Or a tsunami, when Im feeling very feisty. I hate the word journey. It doesn’t represent what this is. It sounds too clean. Too organized. Too fun. Almost…
It is known to be a common sorrow amongst widowed people that so many of our friends from our “before” lives disappear after the death of our partners. Nearly four years later, I have a deeper understanding of this. Initially, this additional pain is so hurtful that we bear ill will, and I will say, rightly so. If everyone knew what it felt like to…
