Last Sunday I hosted my best friend’s baby shower. I felt honored to play such a key role in the celebration her pending arrival but, as expected, it really took it out of me. Through the endless baby chat and the parade of adorable presents I was able to fix my smile in place and compartmentalise the pain of my own broken heart but after the last…
young widow
Fighting the stigma
A member of my ‘widowed by suicide’ support group shared something with the rest of us this week that has inspired some deep reflection around Dan’s death in a way that I haven’t done in a while. On Thursday night, for the third time, he presented to a class at the University of Utah about ‘death and dying’, talk specifically about…
Birthday Wishes
I have been working on this post all week knowing it was coming, but I’ve also been busy with lots of other things, and for a couple of days this week I actually lost track of what day it was. But then this morning (Wednesday) I woke up and realized today was the day…I knew it suddenly, without thinking, that today was his day. I just knew it…
The Loneliness of Grief
There have been a few instances over the past week or two where I’ve opened up to people and shared a grief-related feeling only to have them either change the subject or ignore me. Approaching the 2 years and 4 month mark, I’m very familiar with this experience. As soon as that initial period of sympathy expires, whether it be a few weeks or a…
A Friend and A Widow
This week I did something that I never thought I’d have the strength to do when Dan died… I attended a full-day birthing class with my best friend and her husband. They’ve asked me to participate in the birth of their first baby in January as a support person and birthing partner, which is an incredible honour and something I very much want…
Laden with Gold
I wake up thinking about Mike. I go to sleep at night thinking about him. Everything I do every day is shadowed by thoughts of him. He is in my every waking moment. He is never gone from my heart or my mind. Even as I am enjoying time with friends, even as I am looking forward to an evening with the musician, even as I am finding joy in family…
Carrying the Sadness Forward
I had a week off from Widowed Voice last Saturday (thanks for covering for me Michele!) because I was away on holidays with my sister, visiting the beautiful island of Oahu, Hawaii. This was my first trip to Hawaii, I place where my husband Dan had spent a lot of holidays with friends and had spoken of with great fondness. Travelling,…
A Bold Step Forward
Today I took a big step forward into my future with out Dan and bought a house. Even as I type that, oh so casually, I can’t really believe it. It’s not a very big or fancy house, it’s a small, modest home in a quiet suburb with an established, reliable tenant. I plan to rent it out as a long-term investment rather than live in it and…
The Waves of Grief
Last night I went to the movies with some friends to see the new Ridley Scott film, The Martian. It was awesome, really clever, enough suspense to make it exciting and interesting without freaking me out too much, with plenty of feel-good moments. Going to see a movie was something Dan and I did very often, sometimes two or three times a…
The Road to Forgiveness
The face of grief is always changing. Grief never ends – it just shifts and changes, over and over and over again. The past few months, my grief tsunami has turned into something very different than ever before. I almost want to call it “profound”, but that sounds too pompous. I do feel as if this past year or so, I have been able to dig deeper…
To Wait or to Do it Alone…
I’ve written in the past about how one of the factors of my husband’s death that causes me a lot of sadness is that we didn’t get the opportunity to have a family. Please forgive me if I’m repeating myself, but this is what’s on my mind this week. At the time of his death we were talking a lot about trying to conceive within the next year or…
Still Learning about Him
A dear friend of mine marked the third anniversary of her husband’s sudden death yesterday. This morning when she shared how the day had been, I was delighted and relieved to hear that she was able to find some joy amongst her sadness. She had decided to gather together with her husband’s friends for a dinner to celebrate his life. They’d…