January 25th. 34 months. it’s been awhile since i felt like this on a 25th.i never forget the day, (never) or what happened all those months ago. (never). but sometimes i i don’t realize it’s the 25th until i’m halfway through the day. but on this 25th, i was feeling it. all day. i don’t know why. … that evening i got to my happiness. my…
widower
The Positive Side of Awful
I hate that I have learned so much, and have become a better person, because of Lisa’s death. And I am not patting myself on the back, I truly hate that I am better and have learned so much because of her death. I want her back more than ever so I can show her how much better I am. We would have a better marriage, because I now understand the…
another week.
different circumstances, but for the second week in a row i had to face my past. while i discussed my past.from the 10th floor i could see 573 1/2 & 6001. (they’re there in the distance). 5 years in those spots planning for, and working toward a future that only i would see. years earlier, through the windows of 573 1/2 & 6001, i looked…
Shades of Blue
Blue has never been my color. I prefer to wear shades of grey, black or tan, although they are usually offset by my blue jeans. Blue has never been a color that I use in decorating my home, as it doesn’t do much for me.So, why then, have I chosen to wear these blue “shades” all the time? I have nothing against the color mind you. Actually, I used…
three days.
out a window. through the branches. a tea room. a restaurant. third street. a short walk from my former home. our former home.for the last three days i’ve stared out that window. through those branches. at all of the places we used to visit. the circumstances that led me to this place, still unbelievable (when i allow myself to think about them).
things could be (and have been) worse.
four different airports in three different countries in 24 hours. packed tightly with pissed off adults. and. countless. SCREAMING. babies.most people would (understandably) hate such a situation. but with a little perspective those annoyances seem so minor. (i’m sure you can relate). and after a few days away from my child, those screaming babies…
I Had A Dream
I had a dream. Well, first of all, just having a dream is significant for me. I can count the number of dreams I have had since Michael died on one hand. As with most dreams, there was no significant sense of time or place. In my dream I was returning home, which actually wasn’t my home. What was disturbing was that someone had stolen our bed. At…
way better.
after complaining non-stop about how much i hate the holidays, something interesting happened this year… i suppose i could wait until the end of the post to tell you that i actually enjoyed this one, but why keep you in suspense? so here’s why this one didn’t suck… i watched as my california girl fell deeply in love with a climate few can…
it’s more than a haircut.
maddy’s bangs were getting a little long and i’ve learned that i suck at cutting hair, so i took her to a professional.i could see the tears welling up in jeanette’s eyes as she stared at my best girl. and i knew what she was thinking. … i convinced maddy to take a seat. as jeanette took the rubber hair band out of her hair, i couldn’t believe…
Holiday Feelings
I just returned home for an early Christmas celebration with my extended family. This is somewhat of a novelty, and we now live close enough to be a part of these type of celebrations on a regular basis. I had a good time, and love my family, but I did need to get in the right type of space to handle it.Earlier in the week I wrote about this on my…
my reminder.
sometimes most times when things are at their most difficult, madeline is there to distract me. remind me just how happy i can be.and she does this just by growing up. today, she sat silently mostly quietly on my lap in a theater in hollywood as we watched a movie. there was a little talking, but mostly it was laughing at the right times…
holidays.
i dislike them. i always have (and i’m pretty sure i’ve mentioned that here before).but i do these things for maddy, mostly because her mom loved them, and partially because i can remember what it was like to be a kid before high school brought on my cynicism and jaded me beyond repair. anyway, on saturday brooke and i took maddy to see santa…