We all have certain days that we dread as they swing back around the calendar. The anniversary of the day he died. Our wedding anniversary. His birthday. Maybe another special day we shared. But the holidays are among the worst. Most of us all have memories of the good times we shared, and going through it all without them…well it just sucks big…
widowed suddenly
The Thief
I have been here in England for almost a week, having left my ‘home’, in Indiana, where I grew up, on Tuesday night. Slowly, I am settling back into this space that Stan and I shared. I love this place, this century old cottage, with its wood floors and cabinets, its quirky, misshapen rooms, perched at the top of a hill, just a few feet from…
Silence and Noise
Have you ever taken a few minutes or hours or days, to look completely outside your own life and how your loss affects it, and instead look into the world at large? If you have, like I have, you might find yourself staring into a great, big, never-ending, cavernous hole. Being where I currently am inside this grief tsunami, (3 years and 4…
A Monument of Memory
“Sitting on the floor, I’d replay the past in my head. Funny, that’s all I did, day after day after day for half a year, and I never tired of it. What I’d been through seemed so vast, with so many facets. Vast, but real, very real, which was why the experience persisted in towering before me, like a monument lit up at night. And the thing was, it…
A Thankful, Angry Heart
It is the week of Thanksgiving, and all around me there is the message to be grateful, to be thankful for what I have, and to count my blessings. I am thankful for many things—my brothers and their families, who made sure I got to visit them, my cousins and aunts and uncle, who made special efforts to see me while I am here, my son and his…
Surviving Thanksgiving
The first Thanksgiving Mike and I spent together in 1999, we went out for Indian food. We thought it would be a lark to be totally untraditional, and we did that together for a few years until we moved to Hawaii. Once we got here we started hosting the holiday ourselves with various groups of family and friends over the years. I have a lot of fond…
The Cost of Grief
I have been here in Indiana for over a week. My days have been quiet, but they are about to get much busier, with family and friends taking time off work in preparation for Thanksgiving. My social calendar, which, to this point, has been fairly empty, will soon be filled with scheduled meet ups and events. I am not sure I’m ready. I find it…
Crazy Cat Lady
My husband was a huge animal lover, and even more cool, animals absolutely loved him. They flocked to him. We would go over to other people’s houses or just walk to a nearby park, and other people’s pets would run up to him and want to play. If we went to anyone’s home who had a dog, he was instantly playing with the dog. He always wanted a dog of…
My Magic Man
I’m writing this on Tuesday. It would have been Mike’s 61st birthday. My heart is breaking. Honestly, I didn’t expect it to hurt this much. Last year all I can remember is the day passing in numbness and disbelief. This year somehow I feel more alert to the pain, and it’s been very hard. Over the past 21 months – 21 months yesterday, by the way…
Left Behind
Two years ago, on November 17th, my husband and I were getting married. It was a chilly autumn day, and the rain paused long enough for us to gather at the registry office in New Mills for our simple, beautiful ceremony. Later, we brought close friends and family to our local pub, The Beehive, for a reception and delicious dinner. No one from…
That Which Doesn’t Kill Me
Yesterday was one of those days in this after life that was both incredible and heartbreaking all at once. Earlier this year, I started going to the gym and took up Crossfit to try and get into shape. I hadn’t done anything for over a year since he died and was really out of shape. Not to mention I’ve never really been athletic my entire adult…
Let It In
I am not sure where it came from. I am not sure why. I am not sure what actions or non-actions or grief-work or thoughts led to this way that I feel today. This week. This moment. This now. I am not sure of anything, but it happened. I am back to loving Christmas. Monday morning of this week, after 3 years and almost 4 months of living with the…