My daughter and I are nearing the end of our 6 month road adventure. It will be the end of this particular segment of my Odyssey of Love. But it doesn’t end in Arizona when I drop her off. I’m going to take a one month break off the road, visit with my son and grand-daughter, meet my son’s girlfriend and her daughter (I’m really looking…
widowed by illness
Secluded Paths
Maggie kept the beat in our relationship when it came to social engagements. She injected me into a lively social world that held me captive to weekends packed with activities, most of which were not optional. Now, without her overwhelming influence, I find myself woefully disengaged with what I think most people would consider normal life. We had…
On This Day
I don’t know what makes one day, one moment, more impossible than another. Grief is just that way. For me, it isn’t a matter of grief suddenly showing itself; it’s more a matter of at any one moment I’m better able to keep it under my skin as opposed to right on top. It isn’t less or more than; it’s just under or on top of. Today,…
The Backpack
The other day, a post-Maggie friend asked how I became so well adjusted, having put all the stuff that happened behind me. I was careful not to snort my drink through my nose upon hearing her well-intended question; such a reaction might have been confusing to her. When I asked what she meant, she described how she thought I had such a great…
Knowing What I’m Doing
I’m a planner. Always have been. I was forward planning on potential outcomes throughout Ian’s illness. When it looked like he was going to survive, albeit severely disabled from a massive stroke, I was looking at house plans or for places to live near his mother’s nursing home in order to keep our family as close together as possible. Same…
Next and Next and Stop
Mostly, I stay in the here and now. Who can bear to even imagine 24 hours from now? So I focus my eyes right in front of me, the next step, the next mile. 18 months and a couple weeks since Chuck’s death and I still look down at my feet to see where they are and I stay there. Mostly. I’m in Key West right now, with my daughter, as I…
Ch-ch-ch-changes
Like often happens when I read the rest of the writing team’s posts, Sarah’s post on Sunday struck a chord. I wonder when I’ll get to the point where pretty much the first thing I say to someone isn’t “I’m a widow; my husband died two and a half years ago” or some variation on the theme. And then changes just keep on happening around me that…
Changes and Things
We all arrive at that time after our loved one dies where we look around and see what remains. What remains of a person who filled our lives in one way or another or so completely that we look at their physical belongings and are struck with disbelief that this is it. The sum of their existence. My husband and I specialized in not being…
I hate to ask…. again
Saturday morning I woke up with a 103 temperature. So as soon as a reasonable hour hit, I called my parents, asking if they could look after John for the day. On short notice.Again.Yet another thing I hate about widowhood. That sometimes you need to call on assistance to the point where you KNOW it’s impacting others. Maybe asking…
Rose-scented Conversations
Language has changed for me in this time since Chuck died.I’m certain I’m not the only one who has heard people say “Your fillintheblank would want you to be happy”. Happy is one of the words that has changed for me. Happiness is a fleeting thing and I’m not concerned about being happy. Life is deeper than that for me now. I hope someday I…
Lost Time
John’s hospital stay threw me out of sync. Not just in terms of the stress that came out of that situation with the additional health implication for him because of Daddy’s illness, but I’ve lost another week of time in my brain… I still feel like I lost a year. Over the weekend our church community celebrated the marriage of two members,…
Next Year~and a Goal
Today I watched the flashmob video from Camp Widow. I was inspired to watch it after seeing the tutorial video on the Soaring Spirits Loss face book page.The tutorial. I barely got through it and only got through it with tears coming from my eyes and my chest feeling tight and sorrow filling every part of my body. And the whys of that were…