…. is sometimes a lot more powerful than I’d like it to be. Maybe it’s bigger than the rest of my mind. Or maybe it’s just a lot more determined to be in charge. All I know is that it’s very aware of the date on the calendar and it seems hell-bent on forcing my emotions to react to that memory …. even when the rest of my mind is going along…
widow
Heavenly Day
Musical Tuesday: feeling great today, this is one of those songs that expresses it perfectly. Heavenly Day – Patty Griffin Oh heavenly day, all the clouds blew away Got no trouble today with anyone The smile on your face I live only to see It’s enough for me, baby, it’s enough for me Oh heavenly day, heavenly day, heavenly…
Teamwork
Our family received an amazing, unexpected Christmas gift of a very cool new TV. This weekend we went about shifting, rebuilding, figuring out cable connections, and placing the new gadget in the place of our old big screen. Somehow amidst the chaos, the daunting task of moving the old machine out to the garage ended up happening when the…
Exhausting Part 1.5
I’m too f’in exhausted to find a decent photo to add This is a repost from January Wow. Almost a year ago. I’m still too exhausted to think. Not sure how I’ll get through tomorrow. But there are three things I do know, that I didn’t know last January1. That I will get through tomorrow. 2. That this is grief. Friday would have been our 16 yr…
what it is
Talking about being a widow is not something I always do….or want to do. Sometimes I need to talk about it. Express why I am attending a social engagement alone. Assure others that I’m not a ‘cast off’ – that my husband left me because he was physically unable to stay….not because he found me in bed with my tennis instructor.Now and then, I…
The “After Me” vs. ….
We all know that we are changed after the death of our spouse. We are changed because of the death of our spouse and everything that follows in its wake. But how am I different now? How is the “After Janine” different from the “Before Janine”? Let me count the ways …..1. I am less naive. I know, really know, that happiness is not…
The Small Stuff
Recently I reviewed the results of a personality assessment I took at work. It evaluated you on four criteria: dominance, extroversion, patience, and conformity. I’m high in three in and low in one…guess which? 😉 I would have bet I was high in two and low in two, oddly enough I’m not as low on patience as I thought.It would be interesting to…
Value Added
I said good bye to this guy a few days ago. Actually what I said was, “Let’s just call this what it seems to have turned into, a friendship.…”I did it in an email cause I tried to break it off once before over the phone and I moronically then asked him if he wanted a second chance (I KNOW!!! I KNOW…not my finest moment in the newly…
Sand
I’m just really tired. I’ve sat and thought of something to write about but it eludes me and my lids become heavier. It’s December, the hardest month of every year since Michael was killed, someone very close to me is ill, I have amazing things going on too, and it piles and piles. I have a damn grain of sand in my shoe of life.I think I just need…
the wishlist
My children are aware that Christmas is in 23 days. Already they are making their preparations for the big day. Snow flakes already adore most of the windows in our house, our advent calendar is hanging above the fireplace and letters to Santa are ready to post. After ruminating long and hard over what she would write, my eight year old daughter,…
The Pain Vs. ….
If someone had been able to tell me 27 years ago (and I had believed them) that I would experience Hell on Earth, walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, be a single mother of six kids, and ….. know the pain of being a widow at a young age …… would I have still married Jim? Honestly? Probably not. I mean, wouldn’t hearing that…
I’m different
It’s been 5 years. In that 5 years I’ve changed in so many ways. I’m still the same old me, but different. Daniel didn’t know this me. The one that survived his loss, the one that has been raising our child by myself. The one that bears the burden of making it all happen, all day, every day.You’d think it would make me more serious, all of this…