John turns 4 tomorrow. The lead-up to his birthday has usually marked the beginning of my 4 month long death-march, as the surgery that triggered Ian’s complications and eventual death occurred just 11 days after John’s first birthday (and coincidently, John’s original due date, so 22nd February is a really solid date in my memory). The…
widow
The Dance of Anger
This weekend, my widowed sisters (and brothers) have been basking in sun and friendship in my old stomping grounds, Tampa, Florida, at a Camp Widow weekend, sponsored by Soaring Spirits Foundation, and organised by Michele Neff Hernandez, the founder of this blog, and of Soaring Spirits. I have thought about them during this weekend, and wished to…
A House for His Soul
There’s a story I’ve been wanting to share here for a while now. It is one my grief counselor has encouraged me to tell, as he’s felt it could be of help to others. So here goes. It’s been roughly two and a half years since my fiancé died, very suddenly, in a helicopter crash. I’ve gone through unimaginable pain. I’ve wanted to climb out of my own…
No Tears in Tampa
Well here I am at Camp Widow in beautiful Tampa. Today I attended round table discussions on ‘being widowed by suicide’, ‘being widowed without the chance to have children’ and ‘signs and synchronicity’. I met some wonderful, inspiring people and told my story a couple of times. And I didn’t cry once. This last point is making me feel VERY…
No Circle
Not sure what I want to write about tonight, but I will begin by telling you where I am. Lobby of Marriott hotel, Tampa, Florida. Attending and presenting my comedic performance for the 6th time at Camp Widow. All of the camp events officially begin in the morning, but Ive been here since yesterday afternoon, and have already reconnected with old…
Dust
Honestly…sometimes the hardest part about writing here each week is figuring out what notto write. I know many of my family and friends read this, so sometimes I try to be careful about revealing any of the darkest parts of my soul. I don’t want to worry them because I am not naturally a gloom and doom type of person. I’m pretty upbeat and…
Not this…But, oh yes, This
Grief illiteracy has been on my mind quite a bit in the last couple weeks. Even if you don’t know that term, you’ll know what I mean when I tell you about my face-to-face with it. And you’ll nod your head and say to yourself (or to the room in general)….oh, yes….I keep a personal blog in addition to writing for Widows Voice, and I have for…
Busy
Well, not actually.And I’m going bonkers.I’ve always been a reasonably mentally busy person, and coped with Ian’s death by keeping up the pace until I was pretty much forced to stop (and then I didn’t pull everything back). But as a student and not working, it’s an annoying time of the year for me. Always has been. The Christmas/New Year’s…
The Monk’s Room
Perhaps it is the frozen weather that has me frozen in my grief. I am not certain of the reason. I only know that, this week, I have felt the full weight of his absence. In 8 days, it will be eight months since my husband died. It feels like a whole lifetime has passed, since he left us. It feels like it happened yesterday. I sit with both…
A Powerful Destruction
Before I get into my post for this week, I just wanted to mention how EXCITED I am to be attending Camp Widow in Tampa this coming week! I mention it because last year, I attended but did not mention here – and it turned out there were a few readers who had no idea I was coming. For anyone out there who is, I am so looking forward to meeting you at…
Traveling My New Path
As I write this, I’m sitting in a plane, flying from Los Angeles to New York. I’m back in the USA for Camp Widow East next weekend and decided to make a holiday off it, fulfilling a life-long dream of visiting the Big Apple. This is my second trip to the states and again I find it very emotional to be here without Dan, as it reminds me of all…
Go
I wrote this piece on Tuesday evening, after a very profound phone session with my grief-therapist, in which we talked about a horrible dream I had awhile back , where Don was still alive – and told me he wanted a divorce, and that he didn’t love me, and that he had never loved me. I honestly had no idea what that dream meant, or why I would dream…