This is part of a post I wrote February 7, 2008, about a month and a half after Jim’s death. I have yet to go back and read every post since he died ….. especially the early ones. I’m not sure when I’ll feel able to do that …. to go back to that very dark, very lonely place where death seemed to be the only escape. But I will ….. some…
healing for widowed
Rose Colored Glasses?
What do you see when you look at this picture? I see love, fun, teamwork, happiness. A couple of years ago this picture, as happy as it is, would have made me sad. I would have seen sadness, loss, something missing. Unexpectedly, I am finally able to see what is there instead of always focusing on what or who is not. It’s huge. It also happened…
Shine A Light
I must admit…I love films. Foreign especially, but anything thought and emotionally provoking will do. What can I say? Michael and I first kissed while watching “American Beauty”, it’s just the kind of couple we are.Tonight I found myself watching “Anna and the King”, a remake of “The King and I”, which I thoroughly enjoyed with the widowhood…
How Do You Prepare Someone ….
How Do You Prepare Someone ….for the loss of their spouse? The answer is easy. You can’t. Oh, you can tell them to get their finances in order, to say “I love you” a million times, to make sure their name is on everything from the mortgage to the utility bills, but how can you prepare their heart? It’s impossible.I recently “met” a woman who…
I Just Need to Tell You Something
Hi honey, You are probably wondering why I am writing this letter. Usually I save the letter writing for the anniversary of the day you died, sort of a look back on the year gone by, but today I ran into D at the grocery store and realized that there are still some stories that only you would understand. Since the celestial phone appears to be out…
The Positive Side of Awful
I hate that I have learned so much, and have become a better person, because of Lisa’s death. And I am not patting myself on the back, I truly hate that I am better and have learned so much because of her death. I want her back more than ever so I can show her how much better I am. We would have a better marriage, because I now understand the…
Charlie
I’ll never forget the night I got the news…. Charlie had cancer.The dog that has been my best friend through life’s most painful tribulations. The dog that greeted me at our patio every day back from college. The dog that has never run out of love to give with his kisses and a simple tail wag. The dog that is the son to Michael and I. The dog…
Because I Knew You …..
….. I have been changed. “For Good”. This is one of my favorite songs from one of my favorite musicals. Yesterday, for the first time in over three years ….. I could hear it, and sing with it, without crying. Not just tears-trickling-crying, but great, huge, gut-wrenching sobs-crying. For. The. First. Time. I have been changed. For good? Yes,…
I Smile
I must say, with each passing year it’s as if another layer of sludge is washed away from my life….The life that began the day Michael was killed. I life I used to loathe to the core of my being. But for once, I’ve been watching, I’ve been learning. I’ve been trying to understand that which I don’t, and yet, with no answers I smile with the…
three days.
out a window. through the branches. a tea room. a restaurant. third street. a short walk from my former home. our former home.for the last three days i’ve stared out that window. through those branches. at all of the places we used to visit. the circumstances that led me to this place, still unbelievable (when i allow myself to think about them).
The Occasional Landmine
So I did a little beginning of the new year organizing: cleaning out old files, sending things to Goodwill. I opened a box I apparently hadn’t opened since it had been packed in 2007. The box contained some of Daniel’s books, all of the condolence cards I received after the funeral, and his LiveStrong notebook. The books were mostly financial in…
Here We Go
It’s here. My fourth year of not being able to refer to my love alive. But as somber as it sounds, it’s also my fourth year of being living proof of just what the power and strength of love can get you through.I’ve never set resolutions and hopes for each year, other than just trying to find more good days than bad in the months ahead….even if…