… Christmas, that is. I won’t lie to you, the week before Christmas, I was not feeling great. The weight of another Christmas without Greg weighed heavily on my mind. I missed him. I know I miss him every day, but last week I really missed him. I missed sitting on the couch and snuggling, watching the lights on the tree flicker. I…
Widowed Suddenly
The Ghost Writer….
…… of Christmas Past. I know that most of you out there wish this day was just an ordinary day. Just the 25th day of December, no more, no less.Actually, I know that most of you wish that you could’ve fallen asleep around December 22nd or so and stayed asleep until January 2nd. Or February 15th.I get that.All too well.In honor of all of us,…
The Path
Things are softening. Memories that used to have razor edges that sliced me from the inside are hazier and the edges don’t leave as much damage as they used to. Talking about him often results in a smile almost as much as tears. Most of the time it’s both. And the tears are a bittersweet love story not a fathomless depth of blackness. The idea…
I Knew When….
I knew when I decided to love you fully, with all of my cells that I was risking everything. I knew you were human and that you might die younger than either of us wanted. Despite this, I still chose to love all of you with all of me. Because you deserved that and because I did too. And though you did die – …
A Little Bit of Christmas
So, eight years ago this past Sunday, December 18th, Don Shepherd got down on one knee on a freezing cold night, in front of hundreds of cheering tourists, underneath the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree, and said, among many other things: “Kelley, in the middle of the best city in the world and with all these people watching, at the biggest tree…
Surviving Christmas
I am finding it hard to find any Christmas spirit this year. I have no idea if I have bought the children presents that they will enjoy… just a couple of small gifts to keep up the pretense of Santa. I have not sent a Christmas card in years … they remind me too much of all those funeral “thank you” cards that sat on my dining room table…
Wistful…..
…… is probably the best way to describe how I am feeling today, the day that marks the sixth year since Jim died. It also happens to be the birthday of my sister, my brother and my step-dad. Which totally sucked for them 6 years ago. I hope it sucks less now. I’m at a good point in my life, and yet …… …… I miss him. So very much.I’m…
Sick
So, I was feeling really really strong after feeling not so strong. And then I got a stomach bug. And after a week of being stuck at home, semi-helpless, I felt my anxiety creep back in. I don’t get a little bug and just think “Oh, I’ll be fine. It’s just a bug,” I think “I might be just a little sick, or…I might be very sick and will have to go…
Compare
“We envy others, for we see their lives in broad outline, while forced to live ours in every detail.” — Robert Brault I’m leading a weekend with a group of widows for our organization and there was one commonality within the group:All had felt that their life, choices, look, path was less than when they compared it to others. Even more so,…
Toolbox
I don’t do drugs of any kind. I rarely drink. Wine gives me headaches and makes me fall asleep, I think beer tastes like gasoline (not that I’ve ever consumed gasoline, but if I did, I know it would taste like beer), and I’m way too wimpy for hard liquor type-stuff. So, two and a half years ago, when life pushed me at 100 mph onto this…
…..and breathe…..
Today was school break-up day. Party Day. Unofficial last day of the school year (except for tomorrow which is clean and scrub every single thing in the classroom day). I have been counting down to this day for the past month. My class are tired. I am exhausted (and for those non-teachers who scoff, don’t until you’ve done it. I used to…
Tears Amongst Happiness ……
….. is what I’ve experienced this week. Yes, this is the time of year when I usually experience my annual “death march”. The time that my body marks, better than any earthly calendar. The days leading up to Jim’s unexpected death on December 18, 2007. This has been a good year. In many ways. And yet, it seems unbelievable that I am coming…