There is a space where my husband’s voice once lived, a big empty hole that sits in the center of my hours, my days, my years. It mocks me by following me wherever I go, And it feeds off of it’s own nothingness, Sipping on the hollow void, A cruel silence where there used to be sound.It follows me everywhere, But it is most cruel whenever I try…
Widowed Suddenly
The People I Love…
…… have grown in numbers over the past 6 years. Some people have faded from my life. Some have stayed. Some came in during my “after”. And those have never left. I doubt that they ever will. This past weekend I spent time with 8 of these people. They are 8 of the most amazing women I know. And 8 women that I’m proud, and so very grateful, to…
My Home
I live in a wonderful city now. I’ve become more and more comfortable here. I like the weirdness, the outdoorsy-ness, the coffee shops, the rampant recycling and composting and organic gardening. I like the dogs and the green of the woods and the mist hanging in the west hills. I like the bridges and the dragon boats on the river. I like the…
Lighthouse
I got an email today that made my heart do a little dance. It was from a fellow widow friend of mine, whom I’ve only met online, and who also happens to be a therapist. This was what her email said: “I was with a client yesterday, and I asked her where she has found support online. She sighed and then said, ‘Well, most of the stuff is useless. But…
Another birthday…
…… remembered, but not celebrated. Jim would’ve been 54 today (as I write this it’s Tuesday night). Instead, he’s forever 47. And that sucks. In more ways than one. I hate that his birthday is so close to Christmas …… which is so close to the day he died. This time of the year can be one onslaught after another. And yes, it still brings…
It’s Gone
The following was written in my personal blog just a few days ago, so those of you who may follow my writing over there, may have already read this. Really wanted to post a shorter version here too, though – because I know that so many of you can relate to the devastation and feelings that this brings up. Nothing has changed. Nothing has been…
Hello 2014
A new year. Bringing hopes and dreams for a year brighter than the last. I remember the first new year after Greg died. I did not want it to happen. I hated the passage of time. I did not want to welcome a year in which Greg had never lived. Back in Ye Olden Days (ie – before we had children), we had a tradition of going up to a house near a…
New Year’s Resolutions….
…… whatever. I don’t have any resolutions. I wish that I could say that’s because Jim died 6 years ago. But I didn’t make resolutions before that. I tried, for years …… really. But I found that most years, I failed at whatever it was. Maybe I set the bar too high. Most likely I set the bar too high. But one year I just gave them up.For me,…
Paying it Forward
Tomorrow I move onto my second calendar year without Ian. Moving from 2012 to 2013, to a year that was no longer the year I lost him, I found difficult, but got through with a small group of friends. Tonight I move one more digit further away from the 2012 in which he left us. I realised this morning that I will no longer be able to say…
Happy
It’s been a long time since I could say without hesitation “I feel happy”. In the time since Dave died, I’ve laughed and enjoyed myself, but always I felt that underlying layer of sadness and shock that dampened everything. It made even laughter a bittersweet act. How could I laugh when he was gone? Lately, though, I’ve felt happy. Not tinged with…
Taking Chances on Life
I’ve had a particularly hard couple of weeks lately. Not only has there been Christmas and the 18 month mark since he died, but throw in a trip to Dallas where we lived together, his younger brother graduating from college, my idiotic attempt to start a pretty strict new diet and workout regimen (beginning a week before Thanksgiving, really…
Circle
About a week or so ago, my mom found this great quote from a much older widowed lady who was featured in a photography / interview project on a website called “Humans of New York.” She saved the quote for me because she thought it sounded exactly like something that Don would have said to me, if his death wasn’t sudden, and if he had the chance. It…