“Which do you want: the pain of staying where you are, or the pain of growth?”- Judith LasaterI know that pain is inevitable. In a way, it is something to be looked forward to. But, damn, it still hurts. Causes stress. Doubt. Fear. But like building muscles, we must first be broken down to have the ability to come back…
Widowed Suddenly
I Didnt Know
I did not know that it was possible to miss someone this much. I mean – I actually, really, honestly, did not know. I had no idea that I would go see a production of the hilarious play Noises Off tonight, put on by the Theatre Department at the University I teach at; and laugh so hard that my ribs hurt, and then get in my car just a few…
When words are not enough
This Saturday marks 3 years since Jeremy took his last breath. How can that possibly be? Every year, I am in awe of how crazy it seems that so much time has passed, and yet how far away it seems when so much life has been lived in between. I have truly experienced more in the past 3 years than most people do in a lifetime. Since Jer died, I’ve…
Finding A Balance ……
…… is sometimes difficult to do. In all areas of life. And on this blog. It’s difficult to write posts that will connect with everyone. If we write about how horribly dark and depressing and hard-to-survive those first days, weeks and months are …… we don’t connect with those who’ve been in this “club” for quite a while. If we write about…
Does my bum look big in this?*
This post is going to sound like an underhanded grab for compliments ….. but bear with me, it does relate to being widowed and it does ask a genuine question…. I took this selfie this morning on the way to work. We had a special breakfast in celebration of the Melbourne Cup – the race that stops the nation. (Trust me – it’s a BIG DEAL…
Remind Me Again
I’ve been scary sad in the past few weeks. The kind of sad that feels impossible to withstand for one more second, that tears through me and sounds more like a scream than a sob, that makes me afraid to be alone, that makes me want to give up. I think I’ve just felt too much pain to keep up the charade anymore. It wasn’t that recent events were…
In Between
JERRY: You rented ‘Home Alone?’ GEORGE: Yeah. Do you mind if I watch it here? JERRY: What for? GEORGE: Because if I watch it at my apartment, I feel like Im not DOING anything. If I watch it here, Im out of the house. Im DOING something. – Seinfeld Today is a nothing day. Nothing important. Well, today is Halloween. By the time you read this,…
Goodbyes
“I hate goodbyes” Every time Dave and I would say goodbye for more than a day or so, we’d reenact this scene from Dumb and Dumber. I’m in the disorienting world of goodbyes again as I navigate the end to the first real relationship I’ve attempted since Dave died. Fortunately I have the most amazing friends who have helped keep me afloat but the…
Chicken Soup
There is nothing that will make you feel quite as tiny and insignificant in the universe as when you are completely alone in a room, choking. Nothing drives home the very smallness and randomness of your purpose here on Earth, than almost being taken out by some chicken noodle soup. Yup. You heard me. You read that correctly. On Monday, October…
Drifting Back to NYC
…… and the relief I felt as soon as I sat down in my seat on the plane yesterday morning was amazing. It was like I had been carrying 500 pounds on my shoulders (causing a lot of pain in my neck!). As soon as I dropped into that seat, all of that weight lifted. In fact, I was so relaxed that I slept through most of the flight …… which…
The Game of What If
In just a couple weeks, I’m coming up on 3 years. That realization along with the hormones of pregnancy has really been a lethal – and emotional – combination. I found this old post from my blog that jumped out at me as something I’ve been thinking about lately and thought I would share. Maybe someone, somewhere out there might connect with this…
Who knows?
When I met Greg, it was at a housewarming party for mutual friends.He danced with me, brought me drinks, held my hand and at the end of the night, he walked me to my car and kissed me softly.Years later, we could remember exactly where we were standing when we first clapped eyes on each other.It was love at first sight.It was perfect after feeling…