Widow's Voice

Widowed Suddenly

I Accept…

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Being widowed has forced me to become accustom to being “lost”.  I have veered off the main road and I have become fairly self sufficient travelling off the beaten path.  I’ve always been independent; and, generally, I can excel under pressure; but, Mike’s death has made me even more effective in the face of adversity.  I have made solid decisions on unstable ground and I have grown somewhat comfortable being ‘off kilter’. 

These days, I choose to take the road less traveled because I enjoy the solitude, whereas, before the silence would have been unsettling to me.  With time and experience, I am less afraid of being lost.  Mike’s death is teaching me to handle the unexpected and unwelcome in life.  And, sometimes I resent this lesson, but I still choose to learn from it.  What else can I do?

 

For all it’s taken from me, widowhood has also given me an unshakable belief in myself. 

 

The Evolution of Grief part 2 (of many)

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Once my grief settled into me, I was able to move through life in a far less clumsy way.  As counterintuitive as it sounds, by allowing my grief to make a home within me, I was finally able to free myself of it.  With grief housed safely inside me, I was able to live with more agility.   When I let both my grief and my unbridled, wild hunger for life to coexist within me I found a type of peace that had eluded me previously.

Coexistence is the only peaceful way I’ve been able to manage my grief.  This last year, I have allowed my grief to “be”.  To be part of me.  To be within me.  I must emphasize, grief is not who I am; I am so much more than Mike’s widow.  But, undeniably, my grief is part of my psyche.

Cemetery Thoughts

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Currently, most of Boris’s ashes are interred in a cemetery in Atlanta. I did not think this was something Boris would have wanted at the time, especially considering the hefty price tag. He was too practical and untraditional. However, his mom wanted to have a place to go visit him and she wanted that for […]

Food Grief

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I have a personal blog and I wrote about the topic of food and cooking in October 2019. I decided to revisit it and update it as some time has passed, but similar feelings remain. I follow several grief-related social media pages and participate in groups through Facebook and Instagram, etc. Through these accounts, I […]

Fall

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Each year, I feel myself falter and fall when the leaves change color because I know that Mike’s death date is looming large.   Thankfully, over the years, I have learned to trust that I can and I will break my fall using my own grit and grace.  With time, I have come to value and appreciate the beauty in my own strength.  Now, I believe in myself the same way Mike believed in me.  This is big, big stuff.  This is Mike continuing to love on me from across dimensions.  

I have come to know my own capability.  Finally, I see what he saw in me.  It is ironic that it took Mike’s death for me to see myself in the light he saw me in.   With this reflection, I now have the ability to fiercely love myself – the way he once did.  What a way to honor the big love he had for me.  In his absence, I can love myself wholly and madly for him and because of him.  This is how Mike’s love lives on.  And, this feels pretty wonderful.

For the Millionth time, Now What?

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Living forward  is a tedious act.  We live and we grieve… the two things are not exclusive of one another.  Early on I did not understand this.  I thought I had to find a “cure” for my grief.  I have discovered that there isn’t such a thing.  Grief exists because the love exists.  And, like our love, our grief will remain in some capacity – forever.  There is no other way for it to be.  And, I am okay with this.  I have to be.