Widow's Voice

Widowed Suddenly

Strongish (again)

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As the days rolled into weeks, and then became months,  strong continued to mean different things.  Things that I never previously associated with being strong.  

I learned that strong means laying on the cold, hard kitchen floor crying for three months straight. 

I discovered that strong means sobbing silently while I cook my sons dinner every night for a year.

 

Strong is a lot of things.

Strong is learning to hide my tears behind sunglasses at the grocery store.

Strong is getting up everyday to repeat a life that is nothing like the one I imagined.

Strong is making homespun, amateur attempts at creating a new life, when all I want is my old life back.

 

Marry Me (2021 edition)

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On May 25, 2016,  he asked me to marry him. Then, he died before our wedding day. In 2018 when I originally wrote this, I sat re-reading those two sentences again and again and again.  I just couldn’t seem to process the words the letters were forming.  Now, nearly five years from the date, my […]

Option B(e) – Take 2

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When I finally chose to breathe life back into myself I recognized that I had the power, potential and capability to “BE” whoever I wanted.  And, realizing this has made all the difference for me. 

The beauty of rebuilding our broken selves is that we can BE who we want to become.

And, this is big, powerful stuff.

He should be here…

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My parents are moving this coming weekend and it’s brought up some grief thoughts (of course!). I have been thinking about how Boris will never know their new house. But, then I realized that he never knew their current one either. They have only been in it for two years. But, it feels like he […]

Hollow (third edition)

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Outwardly, my life has remained stable and solid.  In many ways I am a vision of “widowed success”.  I returned to a good career, I still have the house, the car, and the kids.  On the outside, the condition of my life looks good.   Aside from Mike’s death, my life may even be enviable to some; but things are not as they appear.  Like the aesthetically pleasing chocolate bunnies, I look to be well dressed and professionally presented; but, inside me there is something lacking.  Inside of me, the landscape of my Soul is barren – or at least it was for many years.  For a long time after he died I was hollow inside like the foil bunnies.  On the inside of me there was ‘nothing’.  Where there used to be unbridled joy there was emptiness.

Less is More

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My worldly possessions feel heavy.  They are housed in my home and chain me to a life that I no longer wish to participate in.  I don’t give a shit about the stuff on my walls or the sofa across from me.  It is all meaningless to me.  What can it do for me?  What does it do for anyone really?

Moving forward, I do not want things.  What matters to me is the feel of things, not the actual things.  I want to live a full and joy filled life that draws inspiration from experiences – not stuff.  And, sure, it is true, I do like nice things; but material things do not fill my heart with happiness.  In fact, my worldly possessions feel weighty to me.  They feel like a burden to me.  In the near future, I hope to travel and I do not want to have to worry about storing my things while I am gone. To me, more is less.

Having All Your Birthdays in One Day – take 5

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It is Mike’s 65th birthday today. On March 22nd, I will always “celebrate” him.  There will never be a birthday of his that I don’t think tenderly of him. On his birthday I purposefully choose to remember the way he lived. I  celebrate the life and love we shared together. This is how I try […]

The Right Move…

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…when I move, I will concentrate on raising up the new me.  It is cool.  It is not lost on me that the roles are reversed.  This time, it is me, not my children, who will “grow up” and into myself in the new house.  It is my turn to focus on my own identity and sense of well being. It is my time to become the person I am meant to be.

The darkness.

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There are not many places where you can be open about the “dark” part of grief and widowhood. Not just that you miss the person or that you are lonely, but the trauma of it. The details of it. But, I think it is important that we talk about it, if only so that others […]