I am unsure how to sustain myself on self love alone. I grew used to regular servings of Mike’s love; and, now, I am adapting to a strange sustenance that never seems to fill me the way his love once did. No matter how much love I feed to myself, I am never fully satisfied. I am not content on a diet of self love. The love I have for myself is hearty and solid, but it does not appeal to me like Mike’s love. His love was pure and my version of self love feels manufactured. At best I am force feeding love to myself. It feels awkward and lacklustre; and it is nowhere near as good as the love I shared with Mike, but it’s what I’ve got. It is a start.
Widowed Emotions
Please Pass the Salt
When I was younger I rarely said no to food. I liked almost everything except baked macaroni and cheese with stewed tomatoes. Absolutely hated it but it was my Dad’s favorite. “Do I have to eat this?” I said. “I’ll eat anything else.” “You’ll eat what’s put in front of you.” said my Dad. He […]
Takeover
It is 5:21 am in the morning, and I just crawled out of our comfy bed in our new apartment and came into my home office to type this weeks blog. I cant sleep. Insomnia is now a thing again, more often than it has been in the recent past. Anxiety is now a thing […]
Acceptance
My awakening was the rationalization that Suzanne was truly gone. It didn’t actually take very long after she died. In fact, I woke up, bolt upright, in the middle of the night around a month after she died and had that sudden overwhelm of emotion and knowing that she was never, ever coming back.
It was in that moment that I realized that she was truly gone. She hadn’t just “slipped into the next room” or “gone away and would be right back.”
No. I was fully conscious of the fact that she had died.
The Years in Time~
I write about Time frequently.
Quite often, in fact.
It’s a subject that has fascinated me since Chuck’s death~
In the Moment, In the Middle of it All
While it is important to stay up to date on all that’s happening in our world right now… it’s very important also to have some days each week that are as close to normal life as possible. Days that are about being out in nature and exploring and laughing and living and maybe forgetting about all of this a little bit. I have to seek the ways I can still live life so that I can lean more into living and lean less into fear, and make sure to do that stuff often.
All too Familiar
Recently, I felt like I was gaining traction. Finally, after 3.4 years, I felt like I was starting to reenter life. And, then, COVID19 forced me into the familiar holding pattern of early grief. I feel the paralysis of fear taking over again; and, this feeling of being frozen by doubt and trepidation is all too familiar. The emerging anxiety and unease are definitely affecting my psyche. I feel myself sliding into the familiar landscape of early grief and it scares me.
I wake up each morning, and like in the days following Mike’s death, I just lay there because I have no desire to rise from my bed. My familiar routine is lost and this has me in a tailspin. Once again, my life has been shaken up and I am not responding favorably to the changes COVID19 is forcing on me. Right now, I feel like my life is on hold. Only this time, I am forced into a holding pattern because of a deadly virus, not Mike’s sudden death.
Season of Anger
I try to stay pretty positive but I’m already furious at all of those people who are complaining they are going crazy being stuck at home with their spouses and their children. I understand how this weird situation can be on everyone but can they just manage one week of being inconvenienced before jumping on […]
Waking in Empty Bed
Every morning, I wake in an empty bed. I know. Lots of single people wake up in an empty bed every morning. But I am not single by choice. Still, waking up alone is somewhat of a choice, because there could always be someone else in my bed; but it is nonetheless a choice (regardless if it’s not one I have not made deliberately). Every night, I lay down to sleep and think about Suzanne. And I still miss her, terribly.
Our Corona~
…Welcome to the head spinning shock, disbelief, financial hurricane, numbness while feeling all the feels, terror, anxiety, fear, disorientation, discombobulation, loneliness, and generalized 100% uncertainty about the future, and every other emotion that we who are widowed experienced upon the death of our person and have lived in whatever time since their death.
Having All Your Birthdays In One Day – Version 2020
This year, I planned to be in Hawaii during Mike’s birthday; but COVID-19 travel advisories lead me to cancel my trip. The events that are unfolding around the world have reinforced what grief has already taught me – nothing is in our control. Nothing in life is constant.
The only thing certain in our lives is change. Mike’s death has taught me to accept that life is messy and unpredictable; and in this way I am somewhat mentally and emotionally ready to handle the current crisis. I am used to isolation and living with a sense of uncertainty because I have lived this way since the day he died. Sadly, all of this feels very familiar to me. *Sigh.
Finding Grief in the Garbage
This is all very strange. The world has come to a slow crawl with this corona virus and it’s a bit disorienting. I’ve had some tough times in life but I choose to focus on the positive outcomes through adversity…. Let’s all find gratitude in the garbage. I am grateful for an amazingly supportive management […]