After awhile, our friends and family don’t get the daily loss reminders we do. I get these strong urges to post on social media and remind them but those posts have evolved into a way to try and help anyone who needs it. This week, as I sit in my car, I just started writting…..
It’s been almost 2 years since Clayton passed away. Sometimes it feels like yesterday and sometimes it feels like an eternity.
Until you’ve been through it, there is no way to truly understand what it is like to be widowed. Even within our own community we all have different experiences that shape us as we move forward because we never “move on”. Our person always remains part of us. Some of us lose our person unexpectedly and some of us know it’s coming. Neither is easier. For me, caring for Tin with terminal liver failure was not just emotional and not just tiring. I gave myself up but I wouldn’t change one second of it.
When you care for someone, knowing that the days are tightly numbered, you release all sense of who you are and pour into their needs in hope their last days are as full as possible. No one warns you that after your person has passed on you find yourself with all the time in the world thinking about who you don’t have anymore. The most startling part is that you also don’t know you.
After weeks, months and even years you start to focus more on discovering, learning and accepting who you now are on the other side of the trauma. You find new fears have been born and new walls have been built up. Where you once stood in a clear path of self-awareness, you now find yourself in a maze with no map. It’s taken me almost 2 years to feel like I am finding my way through new thoughts, emotions, self reflection and enlightenment. I’m slowly feeling a bit grounded and not so lost. As I gather more footing, I know that the new man standing is not the one he used to be. The only way I can explain it is sometimes I feel like I’m my own stranger. I spent so much time not checking in with me through it all that now I need to learn who I am all over again. To start, taking care of Tin I gained 20 lbs and stopped focusing on my health. Since January 1st, I have lost 6lbs and have focused more on decisions that are right for my wellness. Doesn’t seem like a big deal but 2 years ago I could hardly get out of bed. Grief can easily imprison you…
Last year was mostly fog but this past year I have begun to travel my new road. The animals will always be a huge part of me but I’m learning to bring more balance to all aspects of my life. I know that I have the strength and determination to create my new wellness and I am very aware that part of my growth and happiness is helping as many others as I can.
So here is to 2020! A year of self focus, self care and sharing unapologetically about my journey from the pain to positivity. I know there are negative individuals that have their opinions but those people can just continue to sit stagnant not making a difference in this world while I move forward towards positive change. I wish them well and I’ll be here if they find they need me.
Sharing my story can be hard but I know there are many who can find hope within it and if sharing helps just one more person not feel alone than it’s worth it…