On September 26th of this year, I will turn 50 years old. This has been freaking me out for awhile now. Turning 50. For multiple reasons. First, there’s the whole “I’m older than my dead husband ever got to be” thing, which has been weirding me out ever since I turned 46, which is the […]
Widowed and Healing
So long and thanks for all the fish
This is my last post here on the Widow’s Voice. I started writing this blog here one year ago, and now it’s time for me to pass the baton. Although I have sincerely enjoyed sharing all my thoughts and my journey with you, it is time to move forward. Others, who are in a different place than I am (and who are in need of sharing their thoughts and feelings with others) are waiting in the wings to write.
Instead of continuing to write about how I feel after losing Suzanne, I had started to share my healing adventure. This meant a new kind of catharsis. Alas, this became too much like “teaching” and not sharing. Which meant the focus of my posts was shifting; and they no longer served this community without being “self-promoting”. So this is my last…
Magic Tears
I wish we were neighbors. I would come over with my cup and while we talked I would casually stir my tears into my coffee. Maybe my tears are magical. Maybe somehow, by swallowing them, the bitterness of living my life without him would dissipate. But, we aren’t neighbors. And, my tears aren’t magic. So, […]
Exercising Optimism in Griefland
Image by Marian Kroell on Unsplash I often feel very fortunate that my professional and personal lives, interests and development, are so inextricably linked. I cannot actually imagine it being any other way. I learned early on that in order for me to be able to do my professional work effectively, I had to do […]
Resurfacing
After months and months of nearly drowning in my own tears, I summoned the fight and fortitude needed to kicked up against rock bottom. I let myself feel the pain of my separation from Mike. I felt it to the depths of my bones. I endured the pain. I swallowed my loss when I was choking on it. I made myself breathed in life when I could not get air. I digested my grief when it nauseated me to the point that I had to hold my hair back as I threw up into the toilet. I persisted. I continued when I thought I could no longer live another second without him. I did all this like so many widowed people before me. I survived because I had no other choice. I am an ordinary woman who endured what requires superhuman strength. I am widowed strong.
Under This Widowed Weight
Throughout caring for Clayton before he died, I felt the weight of responsibilities. The weight of being a caregiver and the weight of working full time, the weight of making sure medications were dosed and delivered on time, the weight of his comfort and the weight of emotions. Heaviest of all for me, the weight […]
Decluttering
Today, I spent part of my day decluttering the kitchen and reorganizing my toolboxes. It was a bit cathartic. I threw a load of things out. And it got me thinking about how cluttered I have been feeling in my mind of late.
Clutter is a funny thing. We “collect” knickknacks, and we display them so everyone—especially us—can see them. From little magnets, we bought on that visit to Fisherman’s Wharf in San Francisco to the owl candle holders that came from someone who thought they were cute.
Yes, I know David Bowie died five years ago…
Main picture taken in 1973, perhaps 1974, when we had just moved to Brussels ….and so did my brother Edward. I also know that this is a blogsite for widows, and I am widowed. But in addition to losing my husband Mike in 2017, I had only recently lost both my youngest brother Edward (15 […]
By Heart…
This week’s writing will begin with part of the first blog I ever wrote and it will end with an update and my reflections on the three years that have past since. I wrote, “Who Am I ?” on December 11, 2017. Three years later, these words are still powerful and true…
The Upside Down
I have always had trouble when I’m told that there is no way out and no solution to things. Apparently, looking back at my writing, that fact holds true even in loss and grief. I didn’t realize at first but it explains my anger when I was hit with the regular “whys?” and the “what […]
Am I Crazy?
The process of dealing with my grief as it came in its rawest form was difficult to say the least. To overcome it – to move beyond that state of deepest grief – means we have to experience our grief. It means we have to experience all the emotions. And, experiencing so many emotions at the same time make us feel like we have lost control of ourselves. I know it did for me.
Wise and Kind Babes
There has been a recurring question asked of me these past 18 months or so, which is both the time since Julia died, and also the time since I have (formally) been in a relationship. Oddly the question is not about Julia, nor about how I am (those are topics where most mere mortals fear […]