For the most part I’m not angry at Tony for dying by suicide and I just do it all without too much complaint. However, one-night last week had me on edge and anxious about our lives without him. At 1:30am, I am jolted awake by a train noise and the tornado sirens going off. There […]
No Straight Lines Here
Four hundred and eight days after Tony died, we finally mowed the lawn ourselves. With Memorial Day last weekend, we were out of town as were my neighbors who’ve been mowing our grass for us. Last summer, I didn’t even pretend like I wanted us to take that task on. I didn’t pull the mower […]
Long Lake Weekend
Long weekends can be hard on us. While I love the time away from work and extra time with my kids, the hole in our lives is more readily evident. So, this weekend I accepted an invitation to stay with friends at their lake house. There were two houses packed to the gills. 11 adults […]
Widowed Reading
As an adult, I have always been an avid reader. I started a book club in 2012 that met monthly for a solid 7 years. My friends would tease me that any books they picked I’d already read. This was always fine with me. I could still talk about the book they chose, and it […]
Too Stubborn
This week I was reminded of just how stubborn I can be. On Thursday, May 5th, I stepped wrong on an uneven sidewalk and went down hard, presumably twisting my ankle. No one saw it and I sat there a good 5 minutes trying to recover. Right there on the sidewalk, the impact of this […]
Teaching Gifting
This was my second Mother’s Day as a solo parent, and I found it didn’t have the same rawness as last year when I was weeks into mourning. I found myself able to smile more and enjoy our families. Last weekend I took the boys shopping for me. They enjoyed pushing the cart through Target, […]
Reflecting on my April
Like everyone’s favorite Justin Timberlake meme, It’s Gonna Be May. Technically, it’s May 2nd but you know what I mean. And if it’s May, then that means I did it. I made it through April. Feels like there is a lot to reflect on over the last 30 days. I relived his last days and […]
Grief Is
This week was the first anniversary of Tony’s death. Despite the strange time warp of grief, I have pulled us along into the second year. One hour, one day, one week, one month at a time. I imagine the road ahead is counted in years instead of the grains of time, but time will tell. […]
Looking Forwards and Backwards
This weekend was a swirl of activities with soccer games, Easter and my oldest son turning 13. I didn’t have much time to look forward. So now it is Monday morning, and I am entering this week with trepidation. This is the week that will make it 365 days since Tony passed. I find myself […]
Grief and Karaoke
Going through grief is like singing karaoke in a bar. I know, you’re probably thinking this is ridiculous. Admittedly, I had this idea after a few vodka tonics, but I want to play this out. Saturday night our elementary school hosted an adult only trivia night. Afterwards, a large group of parents decided to go […]
Because…April…
This week I turned the calendar to April and that means I’m facing a list of lasts we shared with Tony. The last time his closest friend came over to share a whiskey. The last Friday night steak he cooked us. The last time he sang happy birthday to any of our children. The […]
Back in the Office
I went back into my office this week for a meeting and to work for a few hours. It was the first time I have been in the building to do actual work since March 12, 2020. In early 2021, I did go in to pack up my little cube so they could shift me […]