Warning: This post may be unsettling to many. It was written 8 days ago. I thought about it today. And yesterday And actually been thinking about it for 5 days straight. Considering different ways to do it. Quick, painless ways to do it.I’ve been thinking about killing myself. The fact that I am writing about this means, I think….I am working…
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Blind
This post is from May 8, 2009, just 22 days after Art died. Recently I needed to go back, to see how far I’d come. I’ve been blind to the changes — the small little changes like that I can remember to order shoes, and that today is hot lunch day at camp each thought within 10 seconds of each other. This daily action of putting one foot in front of…
Embrace
“I don’t understand what’s happened to me?” “It’s huge. You’ve finely embraced the life you hadn’t planned on.” This quote from a movie just keeps echoing in my brain.I’ve noticed that, with quotes and words…they have a way of sticking to the sides of your mind during different parts of our life. Some temporarily to help you get through the day…
….by the way
I am seeing all sorts of old and familiar faces since we moved back to my hometown. It’s been great getting reacquainted with now-grown children of my youth. We discuss how the town has changed. That the one stop light in town is no longer the one stop light in town. Gossip about the nastiest boy in our class has changed and where he is now.I find…
written words
today, someone asked me what i do. when i told her she asked, “how do you come up with them?” “i don’t know,” i said. “i can’t make them stop.”and it reminded me that i used to wonder, are there enough of them? they seemed so hard to come by before that moment, but now, they’re as plentiful as the rays of light blanketing los…
Feeling Guilty ….
… for falling in love again? Ummmm …… not so much. I’ve heard and read a lot about this topic lately. I’ve seen what others have written about it. And I’ve seen quite a bit of guilt. Why? Why do we do that to ourselves?I use the word “we”, even though guilt is not an emotion that I am, or have, felt since I started dating again (after…
#10 for G
Ten years ago my little guy came unexpectedly into the world. He was six weeks early, our house was not quite finished with a last minute remodel, and I had been hanging sheet rock the day before….yes, I know this sounds like a bad idea. :)Ten years later, I have the good fortune to be the mother of a fabulous little guy (or not so little, he’s…
“Oh, What Shall I Do?”
Chris and I had season tickets to the opera. He was passionate about the art form and I enjoyed it enough to go with him. I continued our subscription after he died and have started a new tradition of bringing a friend or family member with me to each performance.One of the operas I saw last fall was Faust, which is about a man who sells his soul…
TMI?
What do I tell the kids when they get older? Specifically, what do I tell Molly, the child Lisa carried in her womb while fighting cancer?Do I tell her that her mom’s cancer spread when she was pregnant? Even though the doctors said the cancer was estrogen negative and that didn’t affect the pregnancy. Do I still tell her? Do I tell her a…
Kora
It started with a call from CJ (my brother in law), letting me know that he and Kenzi we’re heading to the hospital to have their baby girl. Rewind to 9 months earlier, it was another dinner and movie night at our home and Kenzi and CJ walked in, stood in the entrance and announced they were pregnant. When the words came out of their mouths, it was…
Does widowhood define me?
As a widow, how many times have you said, “when/since/because _____ died”? Even after two years, three months and six days, I regularly use this phrase. Does widowhood define me this much or is it that the loss of my husband has been so life-altered, self-forming, world-shifting to me that I can attribute most of the occurrences in my present life…
circles
not long after the darkness fell upon us, i came up with an arbitrary goal… wear them one day longer than her. but this wasn’t the first time i let some unspoken goal determine my behavior. no, giving myself a personal challenge that eventually becomes a near obsessive compulsive disorder, this is a problem i’ve always had. like that…