I am happy. Finally, after what seems an eternity, I can say …. and mean …. those three words. After over 2 years of thinking that I would never be happy again. After over 2 years of wishing that I were there with him. After over 2 years of feeling that I was going to drown. I. Am. Happy. And yet ……….. there are still moments when a…
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Come to Camp with Me!
I looked at the calendar last night and realized…I’m leaving for Camp Widow in 5 weeks. 5 weeks!!!! It seems like just yesterday I was packing my bags to head home from last year’s surprisingly fantastic weekend. I was expecting the weekend to be great, we had planned it for months and Michele can make anything fabulous. What I wasn’t expecting…
Musical Monday: Finding Myself
Before I was widowed I knew who I was and I held pretty firm beliefs about life in general. Prior to marrying Phil I lived through a divorce and the ensuing identity crisis, and I came out on the other side more aware of my personal strengths and weaknesses. My divorce also taught me that I was capable of recreating my life. I knew that I didn’t…
The Other Side
I got into a silly argument. I said you can’t protect him. They said yes we can and they said we resent being told we cannot. And after I read those words I dope slapped myself. They are on the other side. They are on the side where sure, sure random “bad” things can happen but to other people. But as parents we can navigate and shield our…
Aspire
After he was killed, it was so easy to stay down. Barricaded not only in my house but my emotions, thoughts and feelings. I’d torture myself with not looking at the memories as a gift, but more so, a reminder of that which could never be again. Even as the light would creep in through the darkness, I still didn’t allow myself to feel and live the…
apples and oranges
Although apples and oranges are both fruit, they taste, smell and feel different. They are both round. They are both sweet. But one is crispy and succulent and the other is juicy and zesty. Some similarities but you would never mistake one for the other. When attempting to understand another person’s circumstance we often seek out seemingly similar…
not gone
there, where they used to be, is a thin line, dug deep into my skin, one that only i can see, a reminder that they’re still there even if they’re not where they used to be. that line will not be there forever, but the mark they left on me will remain until i breathe no longer.
Moving Forward
…. is different from moving on. Moving on implies forgetting what is past. Moving forward is more difficult. It involves carrying the past with you while you walk forward one step at a time. Never forgetting, but continuing to breathe and live. Some days I can accomplish this. Some days I can’t. Some days the past feels too heavy to carry with…
Moving Forward … Not Moving On
…. is different from moving on. Moving on implies forgetting what is past. Moving forward is more difficult. It involves carrying the past with you while you walk forward one step at a time. Never forgetting, but continuing to breathe and live. Some days I can accomplish this. Some days I can’t. Some days the past feels too heavy to carry with…
Man’s Best Friend
A little over 6 years ago a tiny bundle of joy joined our family. We went to the pound, looking for a medium-sized short-haired dog…and came home with Osa – a tiny kodiak bear-cub of a dog. The joke was on us when our vet explained that our tiny fur-ball was actually part St. Bernard. She quickly grew into a ginormous hairy beast. I have joked…
Missed But Not Forgotten
June 16, 2010 was a really busy day. In fact, the night before I was laughing about the fact that every minute of the next day was so scheduled that I felt like the day had flown by before it even began. These last few weeks have been packed with events, meetings, Camp Widow arrangements, packing to take the kids on a trip, the last day of school,…
Dreaming of Art
I dreamt about him. I was coming out of Pallas and Ezra’s room and he was standing in the hall. “Hi!” I said, thrilled, as if he had come home early from work. And we stood there for a moment, smiling at each other. “Can I touch you?” I asked, for the last time I dreamed about him I had tried to hug him, only to touch cold air before he could tell…