Since Day 365 I have been haunted by Art. It’s like making it to that day I somehow expected that he’d show up at the door and yell “Just Kidding!” …at which point I would beat him to a pulp and then cover every bloody inch of him with kisses. After Day 367 that fact that he’s not coming back is more real, almost tangible. And it makes…
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Mother’s Day Memories
Our guest blogger today is Jo Rozier who lost his wife Deltha to a brain aneurysm on 3/16/2006. Jo is the single father of two teens, a founding member of our Widower Match program, and as he says, “a fellow traveler” on this road called widowhood. Thanks for sharing Jo.Dear Kids,Mother’s Day, our fourth since Mommy died.So often you share your…
give me one reason
You know the term “It happened for a reason”? I hate it. I have used it myself. But I hate it. It seems to say that everything, good or bad, was supposed to happen to make way for some ‘better’ purpose. It’s sappy and it sucks. It’s almost up there with the “He’s in a better place”.With this rationale, maybe because Jeff died, a cherubic little one…
struggling
struggling. not sure why. somehow i got to thinking about the notes that liz used to write to me in the blank cards she used to buy.i think i have them all. or at the very least, most of them. can’t look at them yet. can barely stand to think about them. i will never see another. … she would come across them, months, years later (usually while…
Floundering ….
…. in a sea of change. That’s the name of this picture I found on the internet and it describes me perfectly …. this week. I live in a sea of change. Sometimes it’s a peaceful sea, sometimes it’s choppy …. and sometimes it’s so full of storms and waves that it threatens to drown me. Thankfully those times are fewer than they used to be.I feel…
No Evil?
I’ve had the “get out of jail free card” conversation with more than one friend and more than one fellow widow….I mean really, after all we’ve been through, don’t we deserve a “get out of jail free card?” I think I’ve cried enough, felt dark enough, and struggled enough for an entire lifetime.I’m sure that the fates would not agree with me. The…
Toasting Alone
Tonight I toasted my youngest son’s confirmation with me, myself, and I. The ceremony was really beautiful, we enjoyed a lively lunch with our family to celebrate, and at the end of the day I felt peaceful and content. So, I popped the cork on a bottle of champagne, and toasted to a joy filled day. As I poured my solo glass of bubbly, I laughed…
Avoiding
I’m avoiding… my bedroom, my pillow, my scrumptious flannel sheets (it’s been cold in LA) cause he’s in there, waiting for me and I don’t want to see him feel his emptiness, be held only by his memory.So I’m up. It’s one am. I will sleep less than 4 hours tonight and tomorrow I will continue running, avoiding, ducking, and running some more,…
Another and Another
With my 3 year angel-versary in the coming weeks, I thought I’d dig back into posts I wrote in the first months.10.26.07Friday, boring as usual. Going through another day trying to make it as bearable as possible. People are people and I am still the same. Sitting in a coffee shop trying to shave off a few more hours in this day to day life of…
before and after
My three year old nephew, Gabe, told my sister, “Uncle Jeff died, but he still has his imagination.” I love this idea. The belief that ‘his imagination’ or mind is still intact brings me huge relief and comfort.What I find interesting is that I am completely willing to believe this to be true. I know that some of my willingness comes from the need…
hawaiian wedding part two
when it was time to get ready for the wedding. i’m of course going tie-less because i still don’t know how to tie one and my wife is no longer here to curse and assist me.we took our seat in the sun and as the bride started walking down the aisle, maddy started to squirm and make some noise. shit. we retreated and i kept one eye on maddy…
I Can’t Compete ….
…. with a memory. Especially a memory that has become gold-lined over the past 2 + years. I’m referring, of course, to my teenagers’ memory of their father.Don’t get me wrong …. he was a great husband (the best I ever had …. ok, so he was the only one I ever had …. whatever). He was a very good father. He was an exceptional man with a…