Happiness has pervaded
my life,
before, during and after
my time with
liz.
and since she died,
it’s been my friends
and family and stranger friends
and music and books and
travel and writing and
memories and photography
and baseball and cheeseburgers
and beer and this blog
and countless other things
that have all been
huge sources
of happiness for me.
and then there’s madeline.
what can i say about
her now that
i don’t think every second,
that i don’t write down
whenever i can,
that i don’t capture
on virtual film
every day?
well, she’s been
my biggest source of
happiness since
liz
died, my reason for
getting out of bed
in the morning,
the reason
i can pull myself
together after
finding a long lost
photo of
liz
in a box in our garage,
the reason i haven’t
fled the country
with just my ipod and wallet.
madeline is my everything.
without her, i would be nowhere,
but with her
i am here.
and now,
there’s another source of
happiness in my life.
her name is brooke.
and we’re dating.
it’s weird how
things like this
can sneak up
on you,
but i’m happy it did.
we met briefly
last september,
a five minute conversation
that found me teasing her
(that should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me).
we hung
out a couple of
times at the end of november.
and in december,
when maddy and i
were in mn for
the holidays,
we spent even more time together.
and now,
she’s been out to
los angeles to visit
us twice since
we returned here at the
end of january.
she makes me smile,
and maddy
really loves her.
how do i know?
because madeline hates
most women, yet
she lets brooke do
her hair without
putting up a fight.
but this…
this relationship,
it’s something i’ve
been reluctant to talk about.
why?
because it’s hard
enough to discuss this
with my friends
and family, face-to-face,
let alone
with strangers
on my blog.
plus, i’m pretty
sure this is gonna
change the way
that some people view me.
and widows and widowers,
the people that
i’ve committed to helping,
both through my words
and through the foundation
i started in
liz’s
name, may think
i no longer “get” them.
i assure you,
i do.
finding another source
of happiness does
not mean that i
have moved
past the pain,
’cause i still feel
that pain on a daily basis.
and this doesn’t mean
that i have replaced
liz.
the way i look at
things is that when
liz
died, i died.
but i was reincarnated
a moment later,
and i’m
lucky enough
to have the memories
of my previous
life still with me.
these memories,
both good
and bad,
come to play in my
everyday life,
and it’s these memories
that will keep
liz
alive for madeline.
she will know
her mother through
my memories of her,
through the photographs
i’ve taken,
through the family and
friends that i
hold dear,
and it’s these people who will
remain in her life,
and my life forever.
and i see this
whole thing
as an evolutionary process,
a process that has
me moving through,
not moving on,
because moving on
is impossible.
but happiness…
it’s been here the
whole time,
even in my darkest,
most fucked-up
moments, yes, there
has been happiness.
and with brooke
now in our lives,
there’s even more happiness.
and i don’t see
how that
could be anything
but positive.