Last week I called Veronica and offered to write her post this week…seeing as it is Thanksgiving and she was going to have just given birth…I thought she *may* be a bit busy! (She, and her big loving family, welcomed a baby boy on Monday. Bayor Matthias weighed in at 9lb 15oz, he measured 20 inches long…and he is absolutely gorgeous!)…
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Thankful ……
…… is not something I have felt a lot these past almost-6 years. I mean, I’ve felt it for a few things, like my children, my family and friends who were there for me when I really needed them. But it was beyond difficult to feel thankful, while at the same time not believing that Jim was dead. But this year …… this year is different. These…
My Battle Axe
( I’m filling in for Amanda because the storms in Australia have knocked out Internet access. She’ll be back again next week.) I’ve got a battle-axe that I carry with me everywhere I go. I’ve had it since Jan 5, 2007 when it was given to me by a doctor who said the words “cancer” and “urgent.” Its blade is sharp and still bloody…
The Tree
It had been nearly six months since Dave died and Christmas was coming, whether I cared about it or not. I got home and the driveway was full of familiar cars, the house lit up like Vegas. Waiting inside were many of my closest girlfriends and a house decorated for Christmas; music, candles, food and a perfect Christmas tree ready to decorate. Each…
Happy Birthday Seth
Today is my husband’s birthday. He would have been 35 years old. This day has been creeping up on me since Halloween. I found myself having to count backwards to remember just how old my husband would have been. When I realized he would have been 35 I laughed. I laughed because he would have been “old”. I was thinking about what…
Ill-Equipped
It’s a funny thing.The breaking of the shell that once encased a broken heart.A shell that unveils a stronger, more resilient heart….person…life.No longer protected by the bitterness and loathing of what occurred, you find yourself open and vulnerable to the elements of a life you’re ready to live.With that comes some of life’s irritants;…
I Forgot You Died
My husband’s sudden and unexpected death happened on a Wednesday. July 13, 2011. We had gone to sleep the night before, and I still don’t recall saying goodnight. Or saying anything. We simply fell asleep, in the exhaustion of having two jobs and being busy and life. A few hours later, he had left for his volenteer job at the local Petsmart,…
(not so) Ordinary Life
And so the countdown begins… In 56 hours or less (not that I’m counting or anything), I will be holding a new little life in my arms. One small person I helped create. One tiny little reminder of what life is really all about. My sweet little baby boy has no idea what his life represents already in this world. In a place that can be so cold,…
Running Away ……
…… or moving forward? I could use the trite saying, “You be the judge”, but I don’t really care to hear any judgements. Go figure. I’m back in NY. The place where, at this point in my life, I love to be. The place where, at this point in my life, I feel happy. The place where, at this point in my life, I feel at home.This will be the first…
Missing out
Last week one of the parents of a child I teach had a bit of a tantrum after school one day*. It seems her daughter missed out on having an iceblock with the rest of the class because she had been away the previous day. In her seething mother-rage, she shouted at me “It’s not FAIR that Cathy misses out on an iceblock. The rest of the class had…
I Have Me
I was taking a bath when I had a thought that finally crystallized. It was a thought that had buzzed around in my brain for years, maybe decades, but that never landed. It just never felt true before. But, somehow, I could finally see it. I realized that even in my darkest moments, I’ve always loved myself and at times, it was the only love I…
Stigma
This week I had an eye opening conversation. I was talking with a co-worker and Seth’s death came up. She asked me how I am doing with it all and I could only come up with “It sucks. It hurts really bad. It really really sucks.” She then said “Melinda, I just don’t get it. You are such an amazing person. Seth’s suicide makes no…