I’ve been scary sad in the past few weeks. The kind of sad that feels impossible to withstand for one more second, that tears through me and sounds more like a scream than a sob, that makes me afraid to be alone, that makes me want to give up. I think I’ve just felt too much pain to keep up the charade anymore. It wasn’t that recent events were…
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Time Flies….(Guest Blog – Michelle Dippel-Dahlberg)
It’s that time of year again. I’ve marched towards today for the past month and a half. Grumpy one day, fine the next – I think most of my family has felt the uncertainty of my moods but they have hung in there. This year was different for a couple of reasons – one, I forgot the day the march starts. Let me clarify that though, my conscious…
Faith
When he died, my faith died. Faith in a god, life, living… There was only one thing I wanted to believe, that he’d come back home. When that didn’t come to fruition, it was believing that life would end shortly thereafter. It didn’t. Nothing changed. It wouldn’t change until I started believing.Believing that I could survive. That I should…
In Between
JERRY: You rented ‘Home Alone?’ GEORGE: Yeah. Do you mind if I watch it here? JERRY: What for? GEORGE: Because if I watch it at my apartment, I feel like Im not DOING anything. If I watch it here, Im out of the house. Im DOING something. – Seinfeld Today is a nothing day. Nothing important. Well, today is Halloween. By the time you read this,…
Goodbyes
“I hate goodbyes” Every time Dave and I would say goodbye for more than a day or so, we’d reenact this scene from Dumb and Dumber. I’m in the disorienting world of goodbyes again as I navigate the end to the first real relationship I’ve attempted since Dave died. Fortunately I have the most amazing friends who have helped keep me afloat but the…
Load
It was one day after the one year mark of losing him. I was on a plane to Spain. One backpack in tow. Two sets of clothes. Euros. Some photos. My feet. 225 miles to hike on unknown terrain that had no map, but seashells in the ground as markers or random arrows painted on tree trunks. But before that flight and the pilgrimage, came the…
Chicken Soup
There is nothing that will make you feel quite as tiny and insignificant in the universe as when you are completely alone in a room, choking. Nothing drives home the very smallness and randomness of your purpose here on Earth, than almost being taken out by some chicken noodle soup. Yup. You heard me. You read that correctly. On Monday, October…
Drifting Back to NYC
…… and the relief I felt as soon as I sat down in my seat on the plane yesterday morning was amazing. It was like I had been carrying 500 pounds on my shoulders (causing a lot of pain in my neck!). As soon as I dropped into that seat, all of that weight lifted. In fact, I was so relaxed that I slept through most of the flight …… which…
The Game of What If
In just a couple weeks, I’m coming up on 3 years. That realization along with the hormones of pregnancy has really been a lethal – and emotional – combination. I found this old post from my blog that jumped out at me as something I’ve been thinking about lately and thought I would share. Maybe someone, somewhere out there might connect with this…
Who knows?
When I met Greg, it was at a housewarming party for mutual friends.He danced with me, brought me drinks, held my hand and at the end of the night, he walked me to my car and kissed me softly.Years later, we could remember exactly where we were standing when we first clapped eyes on each other.It was love at first sight.It was perfect after feeling…
Edgefield
I believe I’m back to being single. At least it seems that way now. Time will tell. It’s a bad timing thing for both of us, so who knows if the timing will be right again. I’m not going to worry about that. It’s beyond my control so I let it go. I learned so much from this relationship and it has been good and hard and precious and enlightening…
Being kicked
I’ve been struggling with my dog, Clifford. He had a shoulder injury that seemed to be getting better thanks to the vet and pain medication. Monday I got up at 3:30am to go to work and I couldn’t find Clifford. After searching the house, I found him sitting in the bathtub just staring at the wall. Not laying down, just staring. He wouldn’t even…