I dreamt about him. I was coming out of Pallas and Ezra’s room and he was standing in the hall. “Hi!” I said, thrilled, as if he had come home early from work. And we stood there for a moment, smiling at each other. “Can I touch you?” I asked, for the last time I dreamed about him I had tried to hug him, only to touch cold air before he could tell…
Blog
Ink
***It was nearly 3 years ago that I got my Memorial tattoo for myself. While reminiscing I found the blog I wrote about the experience less than 6 months after he was killed. Since we sometimes forget where we’ve come from in the midst of the grief, healing, and journey that takes place, I thought I’d share this.10.24.07 Nearly 5 hours after…
the impending father’s day
It’s actually 3:28 a.m. as I write this. Unpacking from our move and working at the clinic have kept me so busy that I haven’t spent any amount of time ruminating about what thought of loss has most taken up my mind this week. But as I’ve driven to work, opened boxes of photo albums and placed Jeff’s dresser in the corner of the room, the thought…
working and happy
it is late and i’m still awake, a fit of creativity has settled upon my brain, and has translated into eight fingers and two thumbs, working to pound out the words i’ve struggled to find.tonight i spoke to one of my best friends in the world, and she cried for us. happy tears, knowing, evident in the smile in my photos, the words that i write…
Seasons of Solace ….
….. is a wonderful book. It’s a book about grief, but it’s different. It one widow’s story told through her poems and her photography. It’s beautiful.I’m not usually a person who enjoys sitting down and reading a bunch of poems. I’m not that deep …………. shocking, I know (and shame on all of you who did a spit-take on that!). I prefer to…
Hanging with the Guys
Grayson is about to experience his 5th father’s day without his dad. The first few years were okay for him, but it is sort of difficult to get into a holiday like that one without your dad. We made cards, visited the cemetery, ate foods Daniel would have liked, did things he would have liked to do. We tried to celebrate it like we would have in the…
Just A Step Dad
Phil was my second husband, and not the father of my three children. Though not biologically related to my kids, Phil was what I like to think of as their Everyday Dad. After he died my kids were often told, “At least your real Dad didn’t die.” Once in awhile I heard people make the comment, “Oooohhhh, he was their Step-Dad,” as if this revelation…
These Are The Hands
These are the hands of the man who cares for my youngest son. My former suicidal 7 year old. My newly 8 year old. The hands belong to Mark. Mark sees Ezra every Thursday. Mark and Ezra play and Ezra talks to Mark. Ezra says things like: “I’m glad everyone is treating me normal now, only I’m not normal cause I don’t have a dad. and “When my mom…
His Love…His Gift
Do you know? Know what your love has gotten me through, lifted me above, allowed me to see and my heart to follow?I’m not sure. But one day you will know when I’m back in front of you and able to share the places your love has guided me to, and the people, the amazing people, that reminded me when all else failed, to listen to that voice, that hope…
getting my voice
We’ve moved. Our stuff is in the new house…..but the house isn’t finished. The shower doesn’t work and two of the rooms remain incomplete. Although the garbage and previous tenant’s belongings have finally been removed, we haven’t been able to unpack our stuff and claim the house as ours. We have been staying with friends until it is…
In My Dreams
Jackie is moving into her new home this week, and so I am filling in for her today. One of our readers commented on this previous post, and after reading it myself I thought I’d share these thoughts once again. I find that every time I read something from the past…I learn a new lesson for the future. The question I am answering today is whether I…
and then there’s this
Happiness has pervaded my life, before, during and after my time with liz. and since she died, it’s been my friends and family and stranger friends and music and books and travel and writing and memories and photography and baseball and cheeseburgers and beer and this blog and countless other things that have all been huge sources of happiness…