There are many challenges associated with grief and loss that I expected, but I didn’t expect this one. On Lisa’s birthday, I found myself thinking about her and thinking about us. As I reflected, I realized that I hadn’t been thinking about her as often. I wouldn’t say it’s been a long while, but in terms of the time between reflections I…
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Adventure
After Michael was killed my equilibrium for life was off. How things and actions made by me were gauged, I can’t quite say would fall under the category of “adventure”, as my reasoning behind certain decisions was semi-based off the hope that maybe I’d join Michael sooner than later.Selfish? Yes. But at that point the biggest risk, the biggest…
Don’t Die
“Hi, it’s me. I forgot to ask you to be sure you ride in the second or third car of the train. Thanks.” “Wow, you are awfully close to the side of the road. Don’t get hit by a car.” “Bike ride? Um, sure that sounds like a good idea. Are you going out alone?” “Hi, you said you’d be home around three and it is three-thirty now. Just checking in.
mirrors.
i was looking for something else, but i found two mirrors, buried in bags, buried in boxes, buried in a garage.buried. one, part of a fold-up hairbrush. the other, a compact to check her makeup. i found the compact first. i don’t think i’d ever seen it before. i held it. i closed my eyes. slowly. slowly. slowly. i opened it. i opened them. i saw…
The Grass Isn’t Always Greener ….
…. just because you’re in a relationship. Most relationships have their bumps and turns. But throw in two widowed people, their children (8, with & without teenage hormones), the difference in the time of their widowedness (6 1/2 years) and the grief that each still carries ….. and you don’t just have a few bumps and turns. You have a…
The Last Picture
Five years ago today we took the last picture. We were on our way home from Disney and a day away from our first appointment at MD Anderson. Of course we didn’t know it was the last picture…that’s why the happiness in those two faces is real.It’s hard to believe it’s been five years. I can close my eyes and it feels like yesterday. It feels like…
Anniversary Gift
I am quickly approaching what would be my second wedding anniversary. Can I see a raise of hands as to who thinks this might be a difficult time for me? A no brainer, right?I have come to have a really negative visceral reaction to the word anniversary. It is a sad reality, but I like other young widowed people, missed out on a lot of things that…
Official First Date!!
As we walked he wrapped his arm around my waist. I leaned in, not away. As we talked he looked into my eyes (so sorry for the corniness of that statement) And I looked back, not down.We sat at dinner and I danced in his attention. Rose, glowed, warmed when he looked at me thinking I was not paying attention, when he laughed at my quick wit, when he…
ACL 2010
This weekend I’ll be at the Austin City Limits Music Festival. 8 stages, over a hundred bands, but to me it is so much more. Last October, my best friend (and fellow widow) and I ventured out on the green grass, drinking wine from sports bottles, listening to amazing music, having a grief/stress free time.Of course, since Michael’s death I’ve had…
the anger
**My apologies for the raw and rude wording of this post. It’s been written in the heat of the moment but I feel it would lessen its ‘feel’ if I softened the wording. I hope no one is offended** There are times I hate him for dying. Two and a half years later and I could spit fury at his lack of care for his health, for his concern for our…
a list.
otherwise perfect, this moment became something wholly unexpected when the words drifted from her lips. well, i shouldn’t say that it was wholly unexpected, but the timing most certainly was.the question brought me back in a way that usually only my memory can. “remember what we talked about that one time?” that’s what changed the moment. and…
There Will Always Be ….
…. set backs. I know that’s a given. Life is full of set backs. Everyone’s life, not just mine. Or yours. So why is it then, that when I am hit with one of them …. I’m surprised?Last week was a set back. One huge, hairy set back. It started the moment I arrived home from a trip and continued on through Sunday (and is even bleeding a little…