Hello Dead Husband, There are days, days like today, that are not special days, just regular, boring, rainy days, where my heart wants so badly, SO BADLY, to be able to talk to you. To tell you things. To lie in bed with you again, and swing our arms back and forth, as we hold hands, and act silly, and sing our silly songs, to the kitties,…
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The Public Face
I have a dear friend here in Kona who recently lost her mother. She was a new friend when Mike died, but had met him, and after discovering we were both writers we decided to get together every so often to write and support each other. She has since become a good friend who saw the rawness of my grief right there in the beginning, but since I’ve…
I Will Sing You to Me~
I will sing you to me….. These words curve around my lower right leg, from knee to ankle. My 3rd tattoo. My first one says nothin’ but love, our credo in hospice. Those words swirl in a circle on the back of my neck, with the circle ending in a small heart, and the circle is left open. As my heart must be in this new life without him. My…
Going Postal
It’s been cold, rainy, and just plain miserable for the past two weeks. The brief respite prior to our Texas trip, where it was summerlike for a few days did nothing but remind me that May in Ohio is fickle. You can be sitting outside, sipping a cold beer in the sun one day, and the next, you’re protecting plants from frost and bundling up…
May 9, 2015
May 9,2015. The day my life changed forever. Two years have passed and I am still trying to wrap my head around it. The death certificate says the 10th but I was there. Joey died at that accident scene. He was dead when they pulled him out of the water. He was traveling at 100 miles an hour when he hit that guard rail. He was ejected from the truck…
A Phonecall from a Friend
Two days ago, I got a phone call no one wants to get, from my friend who got news she never wanted to hear. For the past 6 months, I’ve been on-call for one of my best friends as she goes through the toughest thing she has yet faced in her life. Her dad has been fighting a very aggressive terminal cancer since the holidays, which came quite out…
You’re Not Here
I am only human. Although I know this life is so much bigger than me, the pain still takes a hold of me while you’re not here. Defeated I feel at times, in need of inspiration. In need of you, our love and your strength. Infuriated, devastated and heart broken. You promised you would protect my heart but it’s shattered. The one person I…
Collecting the Hurt
I figured something out this morning, about grief. It is this … Things that happen to you, after the loss of your person, that are painful, hurt way more. They hurt more than they did in the previous life. The “before” life. In this “after” life, the one where my person is dead forever, things that hurt, hurt more. They hurt…
Clickety-Clack
Remember as a kid when you would hold your hand out the car window and float it up and down in the wind? As a kung fu guy, Mike would play with the wind the same way, with the same joy as that child riding in the car. I have a hard time describing how that large man would seem to float effortlessly in the air, twirling, kicking, jumping, his arms…
Not Dating Contemplation~
I wonder, if we, as widows, set ourselves up, if and when the time comes that we step out into the dating world. *I haven’t dated since my husband’s death, and don’t plan on it, so this is merely me, contemplating the concept* Somewhere back in my second year of widowhood, I spoke about the concept of dating with my daughter, and how not…
Holding a Hand
On a day-to-day basis, I’m fairly composed and not overly sensitive to things that remind me of Megan, her illness, or the fact that she’s gone. Shelby acheives honor roll like clockwork, and though it reminds me of how proud Megan would be, and I wish she was there, it’s an “it is what it is situation”, where I can be happy for both of…
I want my why
I have been told time and time again don’t ask why. It will drive you mad. I have been told there are something’s you will never have answers for. You must let go. In other people’s dark hours have have given this same advice. But the truth is I want my why! I want my answers! I have been laying in a hospital bed for three days now. I was…